Giving Kids What They Want & Other RIDICULOUS Parenting Techniques!

Candy, Bicycles, Televisions, Phones, Computers, Televisions, Cars, Social Networking Accounts

What do you give your kids?  Why do you give it to them?  When do you give it to them?
Do you let your kids use social networking platforms?

• facebook's rules say you need to be 13 years old to have an account
• Twitter, in their TOS caution, "you are responsible for your use of the Services, for any Content you post to the Services, and for any consequences thereof."   As Lisa Nielson observes in her blog The Innovative Educator, originally Twitter had a minimum age of 13 years of age, but currently has no age restriction,  Twitter helpfully offers "safety tips for parents", and employs  "Age screening is a way for brands and others to determine online whether a follower meets a minimum age requirement". 
• Instagram TOU states, "You must be at least 13 years old to use the Service".  fb now owns Instagram.

 The three noted above are just a glimpse of what children have access to via the world wide web.  There are a myriad of social networking sites for us to lose ourselves in.  And that is not even broaching the subject of apps like Snapchat or Secret SMS App.

 If parents are curious and motivated enough to check up on kids. How's this for scary?!

(grownups, if you don't know what an app is, look here.)

  Bought your kids an iphone?  Did they pick your pocket for gaga over all things android?

                   And then there are the dizzying array of social networking apps .

  All human children have certain commonalities with one another.  They are ALL born to parent(s). They are ALL born instinctually knowing their needs.   And ALL children will not survive (read:  become fully functioning adults) without care, education, training from adults [read: parent(s)].  Hmmm...wonder why that is?  In a related story - it seems all human children develop the ability to challenge limits and boundaries, and they ALL learn about wants. ;)

  It is not hard to understand how children come to confuse a need with a want.  Nor is it puzzle to see how parents would react reflexively to fulfill the want of a child.  After all, both parties are hardwired to see the other and demand/fulfill needs - that is how nature intends it.  Without the primordial call/response instinct firing off, it is a certainty that children will die; and parents will fail.  But, what if the call/response gets twisted or perverted, and in that, loses its purpose?

  In our home, the clock could be set by my mom or dad boiling his eggs in the evening for his next day's lunch, by his knee-popping ascent up the stairs, adjusting the thermostat to nighttime temperature on his way to bed.  There were many absolutes when i was a child.  Two were, picking up the fallen twigs and branches so Dad could mow when he returned home after his Saturday morning shift, and no calls from my friends after 8:30 p.m.  There were rules and guidelines when i was a teen.  Learning for the first time about social interactions were driven by my age and development.  Teaching those lessons, was driven by my parents.  With whom i shared my PARENT'S phone number [there were only home phone numbers in those days ;) ] was up to me... However, if i gave my PARENT'S number out, the person who would call certainly would not get a second call through to me, IF:  
   "Hello, Mr./Mrs. Parent, this is WOULDBEFRIEND, is TEENAGER in?  Or,
   "Hello, This is WOULDBEFRIEND, may I please speak to TEENAGER?", was not spoken, articulately and politely.  
  IF, that call was made after 8:30 p.m., that call would NOT get through.  Although, my parents would answer and ascertain who was on the other end - for future reference!  It was that simple.  In my social development, my parents told me WHEN i was allowed to receive phone calls on THEIR phone and they set the guidelines for that privilege.  They told me what the rules were regarding using that phone - for me,  AND for whomever i might want to call me.  It was not stated explicitly, but it was up to me to decide who would be a likely candidate to follow those rules AND to COMMUNICATE the rules to the would be friend.  i did pick a couple of candidates that did not follow the rules... i didn't speak with them on my PARENT'S phone.  It was that simple.  Really.  We kids also understood, our parents had homes, phones, cars, etc.  We kids knew that our parents were the ones who had jobs, and acquired those things.  What we kids had were things our parents provided for us.  We were clear, our parents' belongings were not our belongings.  They earned their stuff, and if we wanted stuff, we would have to earn it.

  What my parents understood and undertook was that it was their job to "raise" me.  It was that simple.  REALLY.  What they accomplished by setting the rules they did for me was gain an understanding of who and how i was picking "friends",  they observed what kind of person was i accepting of in my life.  Was i picking people for friends who had "home-training"?  Was i picking people for friends who were willing to respect boundaries, follow rules, and behave as expected?  Or,  not.  What my parents were doing was PARENTING.  Giving me information about my choices, that i was not aware of at the time.  Giving me an opportunity to  grow and develop with boundaries that would give me feedback.  Clearly, as a 13, 15 or 17 year old - i was NOT AWARE of what they were doing.  But, as a parent myself, during the beginning of the not-for-generating-income-social-use-of cell phones for children era, the genius of those "antiquated" parenting modalities became crystal clear!
 
  My Wee One came to the teen years in the first decade of the 21st century.  There were people who were the parents of her peers who had wealth, AND a parenting philosophy that ascribed to giving kids what they WANTED.  As it shook out in the lottery of life, my resources were not of that ilk, and my philosophy was not skewed toward attending to, or meeting my child's WANTS.  What preoccupied me was, how to keep a roof over my child's head and food in that forever empty belly!  i was focused on how to teach my child to differentiate between a want and a need.  i parsed out how to discern what wants of my child's that i might attempt to fulfill - and under what terms.  My teen did not have consistent use of a cell phone until junior year of high school.  There was the freshman year bootleg phone, a "gift" from a "friend".  That earned a one year delay.  Sophomore year, grades and such were up to snuff, so a phone was given.  It was promptly lost it due to the 131 text messages sent and received during a two hour period of time that homework was supposed to be done.  What i was trying to measure was what ability this kid had to stand alone, in the face of peers and do what was expected.  Failing those tests was a clear indication, the pull of sexting,  stranger interactions on the internet, etc. would not - could not be resisted.  Thus, i knew i would be putting my child in harm's way - no less than if i were to post a sign at the nearest busy intersection saying my child was home alone, doors unlocked, and gave my address! 

  My parents gave me another gift, delivered by the hand of my father.  In my earlier teens, i poured over the Montgomery Wards and Sears catalogs, bending the corners of pages displaying the pictures and particulars of 10-speed bikes, you remember - the ones that had the ram handlebars.  Apparently, my parents, had decided to buy me a bike for a birthday or christmas that year.  My father said, "Well, I was planning to buy you a 3-speed."  You know, the ones where you sat UPRIGHT - ugh! "But, if you'd rather have a 10-speed", continued my father, "I will contribute 3 speeds worth of the money."  i STILL remember the price of the bike i'd had in mind - it was $79.99.  The dollar contribution of the 3-speeds my dad was offering was $49.99.  So, all i had to do was earn and contribute the $30.00 difference and i WAS THEEERRRE on my dream bike!  Cars were washed, shoes were polished, at 50¢ a pair, (that skill came in handy when i was in basic training!), babies were sat, snow was shoveled.  When i had my contribution to the additional 7 speeds, my dad contributed his initial commitment amount AND split the tax with me!  i did purchase my teen's first phone.  It was not on an account, it was prepaid - guess who had to buy the time?

  When it came time for these kinds of challenges with my own child, my parenting was informed by how i was parented.  There were many things my parents did that i bristled at as a child.  There were many tears, and profound feelings of not being loved, cared about and abandonment as i pushed through my teenage years developmentally.  i understand now, of course, that they did love, care for and about me.  They were there for me.  But, they did not kowtow to my "feelings" and capitulate to their own feelings in reaction to my sadness.  They were PARENTS .  They parentED.  They thought things through, to the best of their ability, to make choices on my behalf, or for me, that would guide, teach and protect me in life.  They were not overly concerned with, or held hostage by, my angst.  They understood my feelings would pass, and that my comprehension would grow.  They knew i would learn to discern what was real neglect, abuse or abandonment, versus what not getting a want met felt like.  They gave me an opportunity to learn what needs were - and how needs get met.  They taught me how to manage the word "no", and how to learn what was a boundary or limit versus what was an obstacle.  There are differences between the two. Today, do i wish my parents had articulated more?  Yes, i do.  My kind of brain likes information and communication.  Would i have been able to understand the underlying reasons for the limits and boundaries they put in place for me?  Likely, not.  Would i have still been emotionally immature?  Yes, without doubt.  A teen brain is still a teen brain - it has limits to what it can process and understand.  It is that simple.  Really.

  But, taking off on my parenting experience as a child, i did verbalize with my Wee One more than my parents did with me.  My Wee One would likely tell you it was ad nauseum.  But, i did it nonetheless.  i felt the need to communicate, to explain, what it means when i say to my child, "but i am not Johnny's parent and i am not concerned with what Johnny's parents are giving Johnny".

  In that message, there is a conversation about peer pressure, group-think, and manipulation going on.  For the "But what if there's an emergency?" parents.  My child at elementary, junior high and most of high school age was NOT in environments where there was no phone available in the event of an emergency, or ADULT supervision with access to a phone.  Why/How you ask?  Because, i as the parent, was approving, or not, where Wee One could be, and with whom!  i was still ascertaining if an adult was present and in charge.  So, a phone was NOT a necessity - CLEARLY.  For the ages of elementary, junior high and most of high school my child was LEARNING to be social.  How to pick friends, what kinds of behaviors and values were acceptable, and which were not.  Would parenting occur if during those lessons - i was simply NOT THERE?  No,  parenting would not occur.  That would be abandonment.  Just because you drop them off to, and pick them up after, some event or gathering THAT YOU DIDN'T screen, does not mean that you did not abandon your child!  It is that simple.  Really.

Candy, Bicycles, Televisions, Phones, Computers, Televisions, Cars, Social Networking Accounts:  Why, when and under what circumstances would WE ADULTS make these things available to children?  i think the answer is simple.  Really.  When we ADULTS can be reasonably assured that FIRST, these things will not bring harm to our children.  That second, our children are reasonably equipped to manage the thing we are giving them.  Would you give a 9-month old baby a jawbreaker?  No?  Why not?  Because, the child is NOT equipped to manage eating a jawbreaker!  Simple.  We as parents ARE SOLELY responsible for developing, establishing, and having SOME criteria for providing our children with growth opportunities -  aside from what other people are doing with their kids, and that which is established by the law or rules.

  In response to what some teens said in a  NBC TODAY piece, regarding the digital life children live, a father said, "I worry more about the direct access that everybody has to my daughter because she's got the smart phone.  And my fear is more about the people she knows and what they are saying to her than it is the internet."  Well, YEH!  It IS appropriate to "be concerned" about 'the world' being able to have direct access to your children without filter, and MOST IMPORTANTLY - without you being able to shield, protect, guide, teach and interpret for your children

  If you KNOW as a parent, as an adult - there are dangers THAT YOU ARE WILLINGLY PUTTING YOUR CHILD IN FRONT OF, are you REALLY going to default to what "Johnny's parents" are choosing for JOHNNY?! REALLY?  And when your child is hurt, damaged and overwhelmed, because they are negotiating a world they are not yet prepared to navigate ALONE - yes, WHEN they are hurt - who should they call for help, you?  Aren't you the one they were SUPPOSED to rely on for protection in the first place?

  So, the person who PUT them in harm's way, is the same person we expect them to turn to for assistance.  Kids may not be fully developed human beings, but their noses work just fine - and THAT proposition smells of horse-pucky! Seriously.  It is that simple.  Really.  Weakness, laziness, ignorance, inability, skewed understanding of values - whatever.  It is the responsibility of the ADULTS, the PARENTS, to put on big girl/big boy panties.  To value, protect, shield, guide, teach, love and usher our children into adulthood - keeping damages by the process to a minimum as much as possible.  Grow up.  And help your kids do the same.  It is that simple.  Really.

  i Thank you for stopping by.  i hope, i have shared something that you can take with you to use and share with others.  i welcome your thoughts in the conversation.  i am new at this blogging thing, and hope to grow and evolve for the better, please be patient with me as i am a work in progress.

Next time:  Teaching Children What Love Is

Telling Boys to Have Sex

  

" It is up to the adults. It is up to the adults. To intervene. It's up to the adults to change things. It's up to the adults to set boundaries. It's up to adults to teach the kids right for from wrong. The message from this grand jury, of citizens of this good county is this: This community is rectifying the problems.  This community is taking charge.  This committee is fixing things. This community is holding people accountable. That's what this grand jury did. And that is the message from this grand jury.

  Several investigators who played a prominent role in this case live right here in Jefferson County. The Grand Jury itself is, of course, comprised of citizens of Jefferson County. No one knows more about this case than this grand jury.  They heard the evidence day, after day, after day, after day.  They heard the witnesses.  People made bad choices. And the grand jury said there are repercussions.  There are consequences.  And this grand jury said there has to be accountability.

  This community has suffered a great deal.  This community has suffered so much.  I personally feel for the good of the citizens of this community.  And for what they have endured.  I know they desperately need to be able to put this matter behind them.  What we must take away from these incidences is this:   All of us, all of us, no matter where we live, owe it to each other to be better neighbors, better classmates, better friends, better parents, better citizens.  We must treat rape, and sexual assault as a serious crime of violence that it is.  And when it is investigated, or when any other crimes is investigated.  Everyone has an obligation to help find the truth. Not hide the truth. Not tamper with the truth.  Not obstruct the truth.  And not destroy the true.  I've always known this community to be a great community.  It is a resilient community.   And though our investigation uncovered some very bad things.  That investigation is (sic) also reaffirmed some very good things about this community.  about the people, about the kids, and about their determination to move forward.  It is time to let Steubenville move on."

Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine addresses accountability in latest grand jury charges Steubenville, Ohio.  November 25, 2013

  The quote above by Attorney General DeWine is in regard to the well-publicized cover up of the rape of a teenage girl, first exposed by Prinniefied.com.  There are plenty of yet on-going discussions about the rape, the criminals, football/sports culture, and the co-conspirators.  That is not what i want to explore.

  What i would like to look at more thoughtfully is the larger issue of young male sexual activity.  How we define it, how we cultivate it, encourage it, protect it - and most significantly how we seem to have little to say about the consequences of it for boys outside of a pregnancy, or the loss of education/scholarship and sport career.

  There are many, many stories with particular and specific details.  i do not wish to parse the veracity of any one story, but i will use specific stories to illustrate a point without making the case that the specific story speaks for all or others of the same ilk.  i have read it is considered patronizing to use the word "obviously".  That the use of the word conveys an assumption by the speaker that the listener has sub-par intelligence.  i want to be explicit, in no way do i convey that message to you, the reader.  That being said.  Obviously, there are girls to consider in discussions about young straight boys' sexual activity.  However, here i limit my discussion to just boys, recognizing that both boys and girls have consequences.

  My jumping off place for this discussion are three cases, two relatively well known and public, and one personal and unknown:  one, in which a young boy goes to prison, another in which a young boy does NOT realize his dream of going to college with hopes to play pro football, and the last, where the young boy has to leave college.  The former, Brian Banks, went to prison for 5 years and 2 months,  and spent nearly 5 years on strict parole and sex offender registration.  The second, is a young man whose story is told as an adjunct on 16 and Pregnant, forfeits his football scholarship to  Alabama A & M* (* school unverified).  The third is a freshman boy who, alone in his dorm room, agrees to meet a girl, whom he believes to be 14 years old, for sex.

  What i know for certain is there is no inkling that any of these young men had ANY concept that they SHOULD NOT ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY - whatsoever.  There is no evidence of general parent consensus stating the obvious:  You should not!  i am NOT an "abstinence-only" cheerleader, and that is NOT what this is about.  In order, for the abstinence-only position to be put forth, SOMEONE would have had to discuss the "option" of not having sex with them!  What does seem pretty well documented, is conversations are had with boys about "throwing away their future", and making "sure you use protection".

  So, let's consider this.  WE are society, we create and convey our messages:  males, they are "more driven" sexually, relative to females and thus "gotta have it".  Males are consumed by, beholden too, and controlled by their sexual urges...  As such is the case, males, and certainly young males - would have NO ABILITY to say NO to an offer of sex.  Since any, and all, offers of sex could not possibly be turned down, would it not then follow that there could be no REASONABLE expectation (by adults) that a young male would take steps to protect his own health or the future life of a yet-to-be-conceived-child? 

  A recent episode of Parenthood, a parent asks another parent for advice regarding a 14 year old boy who wants the parent's daughter as a girl friend.  The consulting parent, a mom, suggests he tell them to "use protection".  That may have been tongue-in-cheek - i'll let you decide.  But, what i found startlingly was how cavalier the answer, given the ages of the children being discussed.  i noticed...  With what we know about our country's numbers of teen's sexual behavior - it hardly seems something to "joke" about.  And if the line was intended to be 'serious'.  What in the world is wrong with us?!

  We adults, create society's message to youth, and as parents, we convey the messages of society.  We  believe that boys are entitled to sexual activity at whatever age they are successful at obtaining it.  We believe boys are not "able" to resist.  And we believe boys are not able to control their sexual urges.  Why do we allow boys to roam freely?  In fact, why do we allow boys around girls - since our message to girls is clear - "don't have sex!"  Seriously, i AM asking the question.  If the predicates are true, wouldn't we be exposing our girls to pressure and rape? Oh, we ARE!

  We adults, who create society's message to youth, and as parents, we convey the messages of society; that sexual activity for boys is only consequentially relevant to "preserving their futures".  Do we not also convey the message that their sexual objects are just that - objects?  Certainly, our message does not convey the person who would be pregnant with a child, or the potential child are important considerations - as an individual, or potential individual.  While there is plenty of discussion of urges and hormones, there is no discussion of sex being anything other than that with regard to males.  Any discussion, or existence of, a relationship seems universally as simply a vehicle to sex.  i have not heard a pervasive message in society about the responsibility of the male to ensure the well-being of his sexual attention.  Not too much conversation about ensuring the best possible circumstances for the yet to be conceived child.  UNLESS - the male is privileged!  If the family circumstance of the boy is wealth and social privilege, we are ALL aware of the measures that are taken to prevent an illegitimate birth.  "Naturally", these measures would be taken AFTER conception - NO behavior adjustments with the male PRIOR to the sexual activity he takes that occasions the child.  There is of course, the shot-gun wedding.  That duty, whether enforced by the pissed off family of the female, or shouldered by the stand-up guy, having been taught by his family as required, doesn’t really get at the heart of the matter though, does it?

  In the third example i offered, the of-legal-age boy who attempts to meet an underage girl for sex.  There was no girl.  There never was a girl.  He was interacting with law enforcement in a sting operation.  This example is the most poignant for me.  i know this boy.  i watched him grow up.  i know him to be a "good kid" - its personal.  He was arrested, tried and convicted.  He was dismissed from the university.  He was placed under common community control measures i.e., rules about living in proximity to schools, reporting to probation officers, etc.  His parents both told me what had happened, and were outraged at the penalties he was issued.  They were loud, angry and vocal.  Both, were indignant that their child (who, they railed, had ADD) was subjected to the harsh treatment meted out to sexual predators.  When the young man himself shared with me a year or so after the fact what happened, he was remorseful, resigned, and discouraged.  i inquired of him did he think he was doing something wrong or something illegal at the time.  He thought, in hindsight, wrong maybe, but legality had not entered his mind.  He was thinking in terms of "wrong" as in, if my parents knew, i would be "in trouble".  i asked him if he would engage in sex with a girl we both knew who was the age of the cyber "girl", he was visibly horrified and said resoundingly NO!  When i asked him, what his parents had taught him about what he should or should not do with his penis?  He had a slightly vacant look on his face and said, well they told him about using protection.  i asked, did they tell you anything about legal consent?  Noooo... is voice trailed off.  What about when your penis turned 18 years of age, anything about that?  No, what do you mean he asked?  Did your parents or anyone talk with you about becoming a legal adult and how that would impact your sexual behavior?  No was the response.  He was really lost.  He had no idea what i was talking about - even then, well after his conviction and sentence.  i shared with him stories of my own youth.  The age of 18 was legal for alcohol when i was young.  We enjoyed the youthful excitement of drinking.  In our crowd there were a couple of people who were slightly younger.  We did not consider that we were "legal adults" when we shared our kool-aid wine and beer with our friends.  We too, would have been shocked if law enforcement had advised we had broken a law.  We would have been even more shocked if there were criminal consequences accompanying that misjudgement.  No one was explicit with us about the great divide between legal majority and legal minority.  But then, those were different times.  There was parental community control in my youth.  Our parents knew pretty much exactly where we were and who we were with most of the time.  i knew people, and even considered some of them friends, whose parents did not monitor their behavior - and they had plenty of bad behavior to be monitored.  But, i was not one of them.  My parents, while not explicit about the why's and wherefores of unadvised behavior, were VERY clear about the consequences at the house.  His parent's (who are my age peers) according to his perception, were virtually mum about today's times with regard to sexual predator laws and how that should inform his decision making.  He and i have chatted many times over the years - about the chances of getting his sentence reduced, expunged, getting off probation, being allowed to live within a certain distance of the neighborhood school, about how to get his life back on track.  He is a young adult male now.  His prospects for "promise" are dim if not completely unilluminated.  His every dating experience requires revealing the consequences of being a clueless 18 year old college freshman.  He is a victim.  i do not equate his situation with that of the fictious 14 year old girl had she existed and he had consummated his sexual urge - not even close.  But he is a victim, nonetheless.  He has been victimized by our society's lack of ability to define for children, sex, roles, boundaries, limits, responsibility, rules, and consequences.  He has been victimized by the mute button his parents, and adults have hit, the volume button that roared in his ears from the sexualization of our children by our silence, tacit and overt encouragement.  He has been victimized by our society's and parental set-up.

  i know a straight couple, husband and wife who are very active with leadership roles in their christian faith church.  The wife told me about a program at their church that teaches girls about the process of becoming women, literally, and their church doctrine about their roles as women in the church and family.  The husband is a deacon.  One day i asked him what the equivalent program was in the church led by the men for the boys.  He said there is none.  When i asked  him why not?  He snickered and said, “We don’t need one, boys know what to do”.  He was serious.  No need for information to be afforded boys in their church.  There is silence about the process of becoming men, and their roles as such.  What about porn, promiscuity, disease, learning to respect and value women, to protect themselves, i asked?  Silence.

WE tell boys to go out and have sex.  And they do.

   i Thank you for stopping by.  i hope, i have shared something that you can take with you to use and share with others.  i welcome your thoughts in the conversation.  i am new at this blogging thing, and hope to grow and evolve for the better, please be patient with me as i am a work in progress.

Next time:  Alcohol, Technology, Machines, Laundry and Cooking

Getting Boys to Behave like Girls - and other RIDICULOUS Parenting Strategies!

  Two twenty-something young women currently in the U.S. were recently discussing perceptions of Americans by those outside America.  One from the U.S., the other from Ireland, Brooklyn and Shannon, respectively.  Shannon said it is frequently discussed amongst her homeland peers that American GIRLS are having babies as teenagers in epidemic proportions.  Brooklyn was surprised to hear that this was the predominate impression of American teenage GIRLS.  As they discussed this further, they determined media is certainly a means of information dissemination.  However, the impressions of Shannon's and her friends are not based on "popular" media i.e., Teen Mom, etc.  Their facts are evidence based.  The U.S. teen pregnancy rate is nearly three times higher than that of Ireland's. - , http://www.unicef-irc.org/publications/pdf/repcard3e.pdf.  Anecdotally, Shannon does not know a SINGLE girl who got pregnant in high school.  While Brooklyn knows of many who have gotten pregnant in high school.

http://www.unicef-irc.org/publications/pdf/repcard3e.pdf

  i think it is noteworthy that the out-of-country perception, and what we RECOGNIZE in our society, is the female and the actual pregnancy.  We rarely speak of males with regard to teenagers creating children - as if somehow they are not part of the equation.  Nor, do we explicitly speak of the actual BEHAVIOR ,uh... that CAUSES the "girl's pregnancy"...

  We, in the U.S. seem to have some challenges with making up our minds about teenagers.  On the one hand we want our children to benefit from established brain science that tells us pre-frontal lobe development is not complete until the mid-twenties. On the other hand, we want to charge, try and convict  as adults, children who commit crimes.  We argue out of both sides of our mouths, cognition, judgement and self-regulation are immature in a society which wants to extend childhood; and we then abdicate our roles in educating, guiding, and controlling them.

  We establish laws controlling teenagers' sexual activity, marriage, alcohol access, motor vehicle operation, education, finances and many other aspects of their lives for their safety and the for benefit of society.  We protect the rights of, and assign culpability to parents to effect those laws.  Religions weigh in to lay down moral guideposts that further their goal.  And lastly communities and families represent social guidelines.  Lotta ingredients in the stew...  And, then we American parents settle in for a long slumber...

  The U.S. has among the lowest age of driver's license regulation and we are the highest in teen driving fatalities and the HIGHEST rate of automobile accident teen deaths!  Now. Why IS that?  And WHAT on earth does teen driving have to do with the subject of this post?

  imho we have a pervasive problem in america with responsibility - as in, "Oh. That's too hard, I think I'll just shrug and walk away - FROM MY OWN KIDS.  i think teenagers making babies are a symptom of the same mindlessness on the part of adults, as are the underlying factors of teen deaths in automobile accidents.  Leonard Evans asserts in his paper, Swedish versus USA Traffic Safety:  What Comparing Fatalities Tells Us:  "The largest reductions have been achieved by public policies aimed at reducing crashes (increasing use rates for active occupant protection devices, a behavioral factor, is also important). The goal must be the attainable one of developing public policies that lead to safer traffic in which crash risk is lower, not the unattainable goals of producing vehicles that are safe to crash, getting young people to behave like older people, or getting males to behave like females. 

  Before you get upset with me, i am declaring i am setting aside for the moment, for the purposes of this discussion, the actual occurrence of pregnancy, and the resulting child, if born, along with stipulations for the many socio-economic factors that are found in "teen pregnancy" writ large.  AND, i am assuming parents are people who had children AFTER their teen years - in other words people who were at least legally adults prior to conceiving the teenagers we are discussing here.  (Hang in with me for a minute please.)

  My own parenting experience may have been unusual in the following way - i was almost always significantly older than my parent peers (people who had a child the same age as my own).  And my own age peers had long ago passed the stages i was in, as they had children significantly older than my own.  Anecdotally, i can say without exception, i never had a conversation with even one parent peer or age peer, in which one said, "You know, I think I'll hold off on... (fill in the blank).  As far as i could tell, the herd mentality was stampeding blithely over the group-think cliff clutching their children to their chests.  It did not seem to matter if it were a "big" or "small" "issue" - junk food, video games, driving, cell phones, computers/tv's in bedrooms, or allowing a child to "go steady" at age fourteen.  All my "casual" inquiries as to what they thought about limiting, reducing, denying any societal "norm" or milestone was met with a blank look, a shrug, sigh and " Well, what are ya gonna do?  That's what all the kids are doing these days".  As if somehow the natural order of things had been newly written.  Children were no longer born to parents; parents were no longer responsible for bringing thoughtfulness, judgement, guidance, limits and boundaries to bear on their young.  Seriously, it was like being stuck in concurrently airing episodes of The Twilight Zone and The Stepford Wives!

  i stipulate that children need to develop independence, self-sufficiency, and judgement to become fully functioning adults.  The point i would like to address here is - HOW do children develop those skills?  It is by throwing them to the wolves?  Or, by judging an individual child and setting forth the challenges you ASSESS they are able to meet?  Collectively, as a society, do we write laws, and create institutions in SPITE of the evidence clearly demonstrating children are not capable of managing?

  With regard to teen age BOYS and girls having sex "prematurely" the resulting pregnancies, STD's, emotional retardation of growth/development, and lost realization of potentials; are we not being ridiculous when we "frown upon" the "evidence" of the sex, but do not put into practice the means and methods to deter, if not prevent, the behavior?  We know when and where children are engaging in sexual behavior .  We know that children are ill equipped to manage and defer the impulsiveness of the compulsions of the age.  We are scientifically certain the ability and necessary life experience to anticipate consequences is not present.  Why do we think supervision for children is only necessary until approximately ages ten to twelve?  We understand there are dangers associated with unattended young children, but fail to acknowledge there are dangers associated with leaving older children unattended.  We know teenage girls, when engaged in sex with boys, do so because they are pressured by boys.  We know in this society there are NO messages whatsoever to boys that they ought NOT be sexuality active.  We know that early sexual activity by adolescent males contributes to higher levels of aggression - sexually, and in other areas.  Group think and inappropriate group sexual behaviors (pack mentality) without the benefit of maturity to grasp the gravitas of their actions or the consequences are documented at this point to have established normative behavior.  The numbers are definitive on the unlikelihood of the sustainability of the relationship in straight teens when a pregnancy occurs, whether or not a live birth results and/or the child is kept to be raised by the girl (and the girl's family) or placed in an adoptive setting.

So, why are we asleep at the wheel?

link to quote Ohio Atty General statement about accountability here.

   i Thank you for stopping by.  i hope, i have shared something that you can take with you to use and share with others.  i welcome your thoughts in the conversation.  i am new at this blogging thing, and hope to grow and evolve for the better, please be patient with me as i am a work in progress.

  Next time: socialization of boys - priming them for early sexual behavior or; the teenage parent who becomes the parent of a teenage parent.

Bird Parenting, or Parenting by the Birds

Kevin Cullen, SERIOUSLY?! Why Are White Folk Stuck on the Word Nigger?

The original quickie fb post:  Hey Kevin. As a PROFESSIONAL writer, a "NEWS" reporter, and supposedly one charged with the public trust/duty to seek truth - i ask YOU, How & when EXACTLY did RACISM become 'moronic"? Racism, discrimination, and violence against African-Americans has a LONG, storied and INSTITUTIONALIZED existence in THIS country AND NOTABLY in Bah-stun. As a reporter, have you given any consideration of how your newsroom & city, perpetuate racism? Perhaps, as a reporter, you could acknowledge laws have been broken. Have you considered what aspect of racism you have given ANY thought to, beyond the word "Nigger" that all 'non-racist' white people seem fixated on these days? Since you are a word-smith, have YOU ever written a story on how the word came into existence, what its purpose is, and how race loyalty has perpetuated racism? Perhaps you could mull over how it is you came to focus on "the game" and the merits of cancelling or not - RATHER THAN the evil that is racism, and how it is perpetuated through GENERATIONS of WHITES. Maybe, you could ask a black friend, or the kid who has been attacked, what it is like to have white people perpetually focused on -SQUIRREL! - rather than the issue of WHITE PEOPLE and the continued propagation of racism. Perhaps you could write a series on how race-loyalty and cowardice sanctioned slavery/racism - and THIS time a school board said - NO MORE! EVERYBODY suffers when racism is allowed to live on, and WE WILL TOLERATE IT NO MORE. Perhaps, the story could be about the lesson from/to all the white NON-PARTICIPANTS that WE WHITES will stand shoulder to shoulder to address an evil? When you are examining evidence of evil, assuming you recognize the difference between evil and sophomoric/moronic, it would serve you and all of Bah-stun well to drill down on what is REALLY important, rather than - SQUIRREL!

And now a bit less rant, and a dash more well-considered response:

 Kevin Cullen, a columnist for the The Boston Globe , posted an opinion piece, "How to respond to morons" offering his take about the use of the word nigger, and whether or not postponement/cancellation of a football game(s)  would "repudiate morons" racists or inflate their power.  This deep thought Mr. Cullen threw together in a melting pot article that addressed, among other things statements made by a television personality that Mr. Cullen took exception with.

  The underlying event for Mr. Cullen's ruminating was recent news of ongoing racists attacks perpetrated upon a 13 year old Massachusetts citizen, Isaac Phillips.  In response to the latest incident, the officials for Isaac's school have decided to postpone games until those responsible are identified.  So far, so good right?  After all, a child is has been attacked (yes, calling someone a nigger is an attack), threatened by violennce, property has been damaged, civil rights are being violated, laws have been broken.  So, a group of adults are bringing things to a screeching halt by getting everyone's attention - cancel football until the criminal racists are given up.  WAY GOOD, by american standards, yes?

  i am jumping up and down with the Lunenburg High School officials' official action!  So what is my beef?  

  Well, it is Mr. Cullen's lofty position in journalism,  employed by arguably a prestigious news organization  that got a rise out of me.  Where, he has a (potentially national) platform; it seems an intentionally ignorant white man, with apparently little to no knowledge of american and world history with regard to racism, american laws regarding rights to public accommodations i.e., public education, redlining, sundown towns or anti-miscegenation laws is allowed to speak for The Boston Globe, Bostonians, Massachusettians, and white people (writ large), can just say any damn thing for starters.  Or.  Perhaps, i give Mr. Cullen and The Boston Globe a bit too much credit.  It could be ignorance is not the culprit here.  It is entirely possible that Mr. Cullen is himself a racist, or just plain evil.  And, maybe The Boston Globe is aware and the organization supports his racism & sociopathic speech.  Fact is, i don't know what is in Mr. Cullen's mind, or what the employment standards are at The Boston Globe.  But i do know, Mr. Cullen described the perpetrators of violent, illegal acts as morons.  You know, as in sophomoric.  He described the violation of a child's civil rights in a public school setting, as nothing more than flatulence humor [sic].  i know that.

  i know white people have fixated on the word nigger of late in a new way.  We all know nigger is word of white culture origin.  That word was created and employed with specific intent, and was effective.  i know that today there is a schizophrenic reality in which we have developed a double bind where we will not say the word to quote someone else saying it.  Instead we have euphemized it.  While at the same time, we utter it in terms of "affection, or endearment", or sing it while bopping our heads to mix-beats.  BUT, when it is uttered in its original immaculate conception - we dismiss its use as "moronic".

  Based on his comments, it seems Mr. Cullen did not ponder what conditions exist in Massachusetts america in 2013 where early adolescent children commit the hate crimes they did.  It did not seem to percolate in his educated (presumably) mind what institutionalized racism does to a people (white people) after 500+ years.     

Well, i say no.  Stop.  Enough.  Can't have it both ways folk.  i know that uttering the words Assalamu alaikum, ("Peace be with you.") will make white "patriots" loose their ever-lovin american minds!  And if i said to the guy selling The Final Call newspapers on the corner, Allahu Akbar ("Allah is the Greatest"), some white red-blooded america-lovin male will either throw me to the ground and slam his knee in my neck or back, or dial 911 or Homeland Security, the FBI, and the CIA - or all of the above!  Fact.  Real talk.  

  So, it appears that words DO have meaning to white america (writ large) - but white america CHOOSES to ignore meaning AND intent selectively.  Words that originate in love. peace, spirituality, and organized religion BY BROWN PEOPLE are fightin words!  Words that originate out of the whitest evil of evil, in hate, sadism, disdain, dehumanization, depravity, sociopathy, psychopathy, did i say evil? are words that are dismissed as moronic.  AND we white people will now grant ourselves permission to use it again with our divine authority, and/or ignore it because the internalization of the word is so complete, we now have the object of vilification using it themselves.

Mr. Cullen, when you heard the officials of that child's school stood up and said to that child, his parents, his sibling, their familes - which includes white folk, the community, the world - and most importantly to the criminals - "We will NOT acquiesce to race loyalty.  Nor, will we bow to the gods of football.  We will NOT minimize racism.  We GOT YOU Isaac!".  You sir, should have knocked your chair over backwards leaping up with raised arms shouting "HALLELUJAH! PRAISE BE TO ALLAH!"

  Just sayin.

"Hate Crime Targets 13-year old Lunenberg Football Player" 

"Massachusetts Town Rallies Behind Football Player Targeted By Racist Graffti"

   

Bird Parenting; Or, Parenting by the Birds

  Long ago, my after work routine was to strap on the backpack baby carrier and take my wee

Male of nesting pair.

one for a walk.  i loved that time so for how we reconnected after being apart all day, and for how all of my daily grown-up worries slowly dissolved, dripping off my slowly un-furrowing brow with each step.  Wee One would excitedly kick me in my kidneys, raise a jelly roll arm with stubby pointed finger squealing "Burd!"  Birds, it turns out were favorites, as were scampering "skirrels" and "burflies".   (Wee One talked early, and a lot.) Consumed at the time with all things infant-toddler, little did i realize that those walks would lay the groundwork for important conversations to come.

  Years later, there were adventures in our awesome back yard climbing tree.  One involved  peering into a squirrel's nest at the very tippy-top.  THANK goodness a nursing mother was not home at the time!  There were many climbs up and down to more closely observe bird's nests and inspect "callipitter" cocoons.  Fact is, that tree and a nearby creek were major factors in my purchase decision, and it paid off in spades!

Our awesome wise old tree.

In the time it takes for the moon to traverse an inky blue summer sky, watching the sweet joy of discovery in those adventures morphed into parental coronary-event conversations.  (You know the kind.  "It's the big one, Elizabeth!").  Those moments of frozen parental panic stemmed from statements and questions like: "My friend has a boy/girl-friend.  What's that?"; and "So-and-so said they 'like' me"; and "What do you do with a boy/girl-friend?"  And THAT was BEFORE Junior High!  Wee One's schoolmate boys practiced being "hard" and "manly";  and the girls wore nail polish, tights, heels and makeup - not a pair of knee-high socks nor a ponytail in sight.  This was not Wee One's parent's elementary school, FERSHURE!
 
  i gave minimalist answers, desperate to buy time.  What the heck was going on?!  Between work, homework, lessons, groceries, chores and the every day parental challenges of herding cats - it had not dawned on me that times had changed MY internal parent clock on some things.  Changes in how people perceived the stages of childhood was threatening to wind my parental hour hand forward!  i scoured my own childhood memories for the EXACT moment i had become aware of coupling behavior, in the first person. i was certain it was NOT in elementary school!  i did recall Red Rover, Red Rover until well into the evening dusk.  i remembered triumphant goodbyes to my mother as we headed off to find the "beginning" of the neighborhood creek equipped with my empty Miracle Whip jar with its carefully placed nail holes puncturing the lid, to hold captured pollywogs, and bullfrogs.  There were daily games of pickle, which afforded me the opportunity to learn to use a post-hole digger after i took out our mailbox.  We rode sting-ray bicycles, mini-bikes, and then dirt bikes.  i remembered getting squirrels to take peanuts and bread out of our hands.  We made terrariums and over-wintered caterpillars for the joy of watching Monarchs emerge.  But... no.  No talk of romance in elementary school that i could recall.

  My politics about many things evolved and were adapted for parenting Wee One.  There were gender neutral games, toys and language in Wee One's life from day one.  i found our first-world politics of language was a HUGE challenge!  My teachings compensated for male characters and pronoun's representing all things active, powerful, noble, stoic and heroic.  i rejected female characters and pronouns for inanimate objects, female as default in care-taking roles and professions, any display of emotion and, of course, self-sacrifice.  Grimm and Disney bit the dust nearly entirely along with many childhood ditties and rhymes.  Thankfully, we have real people in our lives that were contrary to stereotypes.  And i was fortunate to enroll Wee One in a Montessori school where, at least in philosophy, stereotypes were acknowledged and attempts were made to undo the damage they create.  There was a huge stink with grandmother to wrangle a change from telling Wee One "when you grow up and get married  to, "If you decide to get married after you've gone to college and are all grown up".   i had to intervene (all too often) with adults who quizzed Wee One as to whether or not there was "someone special" at school.  [SERIOUSLY! What is that about?  What in the world is going on in our society where we ask an eight year old if they have a romantic interest - or a 16 year old for that matter?!?  end rant.]

  Dismantling societal norms in language, identifying and deconstructing sexism, racism and gender role falsehoods,  it turns out - is the easy part.  Then came Junior High.  Now the REAL societal pressure begins - reinforced and institutionalized, with a pack/herd mentality by ALL of the would-be adults!  So, it turns out, the "accepted" norm for precoupling behavior in children is ten to twelve years of age on up.  WHO KNEW!?  It was crunch time!  The time had come for the prelude behaviors i.e., phone calls, middle-school versions of "dating", etc.

  Right on cue, early in junior high Wee One asked, "When can I date?"  In response, i asked, "Are you planning to marry?"  You can imagine the adolescent exasperation, (why would i ask that for GOODNESS sake?!)  My old quip, "you can date after you're married, and you can marry when you're 45." was clearly not going to work...  My answer was, and is simple.  When you arrive at the appropriate stage in life where it is time to look for people who meet your criteria for a spouse.  The purpose for dating is mate selection.  i offered, 'Just the same as we shop at various stores for a particular item.  We go to the stores for the purpose of obtaining that item."
 

  In that conversation i asked a few questions of Wee One.  What are the attributes of this person of interest?  Naturally, the answer was, "Cute".  And that, my friends, was atop a one item list!  Another question i asked was, what did Wee One imagine "Cute's" parents had in mind for their child?  Did Wee One imagine "Cute's" parents intend that "Cute" would graduate high school, college, and have a career?  A halting "Yes" was the response.  And what, if anything, do you think you, as a partner, will have to offer "Cute" to that end?  "Umm, I don't know...".  So, you like "Cute", you want "Cute" to do well in life and be successful?  "Uh-huh."  In what way do you intend to contribute to "Cute's" future i queried?  And alas, an answer we could work with. "What do you mean? How am I supposed to help Cute go to college?  I'm just a kid!"  BINGO!

  i'd had my light-bulb moment while rummaging through my own childhood memories.  i'd realized some things...  ALL of the adults in my life perpetrated - actively or passively - expectations of me. To couple,  to so within hetero marriage and to procreate.  "When" and not if.  At family gatherings, syrup-y smiling queries into if there was a "special someone" were a lifelong occurrence.  When i reached mid and late teenage years, there were the usual, expected and familiar to all, admonitions about pregnancy, and venereal disease.  Sex, for females, was about reputation, and for males, it was about not throwing away YOUR future on a fast girl!  It was conveyed and understood that whomever i dragged back to the clan would, naturally, be of a certain ilk, have home-training, potential, etc. But, that was pretty much it...not much more.

  As a child, i had an inkling that couplings failed, divorces happened, adoptions occurred, spouses were picked that didn't cut the mustard, etc.  However, no adult EVER discussed with me lessons learned from their own or, others' experiences.  There was NEVER an actual  discussion about making the most of one's OWN opportunities for one's OWN self.  And that in doing so, one would be in a position to have something to offer a potential partner of merit.  And about this issue of 'merit' - not a soul ever said anything comprehensible to my teenage mind.  We all know, and i knew, about things like; "pick a man who will work to support his family", and "pick a woman who will be a good wife, homemaker and mother".  But, HOW the HECK does that translate to a teenage experience - or more specifically - to a teenage BRAIN?

Fledgling

  So, we went out back.  i pointed up to a hardily constructed bird's nest in our sturdy, wise, old magnificent tree.  "Who builds the nest?" i asked.  "The male and female, and in some species - only the male builds it in order to attract a female." was the answer.  "Did they pick a dead tree, or a spot on the ground, or a place where the wind would blow it down, is it hastily built and shoddy?"  No, is the response.  "Who feeds the chicks?"  "Both." came the answer.

Female of nesting pair.

Female with building materials

"When have you ever seen a mother bird lay an egg without a nest?"  A very long pause, then the response, "Never".  This last question brought an expression of incredulity to Wee One's face.  i could see Wee One thinking, "You have gone off the rails completely!"

  Exactly, my point Wee One!   Though i had long used that analogy with Wee One, who had understood and told me as a small child, the egg would fall and no baby bird could survive.  Now, Wee One was cognitively mature enough to appreciate the gravitas of the proposition.  It is inconceivable literally, to everyone, that a bird would lay an egg and not do so in a nest.  None of us had ever seen such a thing, so much so, that it is inconceivable!

  But we humans create a set of forces that do EXACTLY that.  We have made what ought to be inconceivable, a relatively common thing in our first-world society!  We fail to have meaningful exchange with our children about the purpose of family, and how to better our odds at doing it well.  We adults abdicate.  While outside sources are unrelenting in their push onto our children false and superficial criteria for picking partners.  IMHO i do not believe it is effective to have "thE talk" as a way to educate young people about creating family, coupling, or procreating.

  i am suggesting we adults have to work hard to parse out MANY layers of subtle and overt societal constructs that seem to set us up for hardships and/or failures as adults.  As purposeful as the birds' instinctual behaviors are that drive them to nest; so should be our efforts to be purposeful in parsing the complexities of life to, for and on behalf of our human children for the next seven generations.  Marriage; Child Brides @ 14:52

                                                          i Thank you for stopping by.  i hope, i have shared something that you can take with you to use and share with others.  i welcome your thoughts in the conversation.  i am new at this blogging thing, and hope to grow and evolve for the better, please be patient with me as i am a work in progress.
To The Contrary with Bonnie Erbé 
  
Next time:  Telling Boys to Have Sex
Getting Boys to Behave Like Girls, and Other Ridiculous Parenting Strategies! 
                                                                                                                 

Giving Boys Something to Bump Up Against

 
Creative Commons Attribution/Share-Alike License

Mother & Calf Elephant Photo Credit:   PJ KAPDostie.

Why is there a picture of a cow and calf elephant on a post by HorseSense Wisdom you ask?  Because, a recent discussion with a friend about raising children, brought to mind a long ago airing of a dysfunctional group of elephants.  In retelling the lessons i took from that story, my friend urged me to "Write Already wouldya"!  That story, airing originally on 60 Minutes, The Delinquents,  brought home to me how, in many ways, humans have lost our way in creating healthy families.  Video by David Tereshchuk of the original group of elephants and other elephant communities can be seen here .
  The discussion with my friend about their male children's behavior, especially aggression, toward female family members reminded me of another friend who was caring for a male pre-adolescent who had lost his mother to death, and was without family to care for him.  In the latter circumstance, there was no doubt the child had been deeply affected by his mother's long-term health issues over his entire short lifetime, and then there was her death.
  At such a tender age, many of us agree that we recognize children are what i describe as "pre-verbal emotionally".  By that i mean, it is my belief adolescence brings about a myriad of new emotions with little to no cognitive ability to identify, name, or discuss rationally the roil of new feelings.  My own parental assessment of this time, is that it bears striking similarities to toddler-hood wherein the child is truly pre-verbal, but developing physical capabilities with enormous rapidity.  Thus, the toddler is completely overwhelmed with growth and development but is without honed skills to cope.
  This boy, had developed a habit of "bumping" into his female caregiver as they passed each other in the home going about daily activities.  It seemed, in the rather spacious house, there was not enough room for them to pass one another without him "bumping" her shoulder with his own.   My second friend, a self-described girly-girl - did not know of an old-school way of negotiating the playground pecking order.  There was a ritual in which two children, equally matched in age and size, would face one another, offset, shoulder- to-shoulder.  Then, walking in a circle, while maintaining the same orientation to one another, the two would begin bumping shoulders.  This would continue until an imperceptible increase in force of a bump from one would signal a line had been crossed, and the fist-fight would begin.  The fight, usually taking less time than the pre-fight ritual, would establish or resolve the pecking order challenge for those involved, and life on the playground would go on.  This kind of primordial behavior is what i thought was going on.  i inquired of my friend, if "the lack of space" in the house had resulted in any bumping of her husband by the child?  No, was the response.  i noted, that while i had a weekly homework, dinner and fun night with the child - i had had no "cramped quarters" physical encounters with the child either.  Hmmmm....  He was already participating in ongoing grief and other counseling.  We saw other behaviors that indicated the child had some anger/rage that was squirting out sideways, so to speak.  All of the responsible things folks do in this day and age, like employing an emotion chart, and engaging the child to help him learn to express himself,  talking about the "bumping", and a brand new speed bag for him in the basement of my home, etc., were being done.  Still, this bumping continues.
  Here was my thought, (thinking elephant) 'you're bigger than him - lean into it.  And then, stand stock still, lock eyes, do NOT avert your gaze and don't say a word'.  This was not an idea my friend was receptive to - at all!  lol.  The bumping continued.  Then one day, who knows why, but there was one bump too many.  And... a bump conveying the limit had been reached was issued.  He didn't fall, or crash into anything, nor was he hurt in any way.  But he wasn't expecting it.  Thus he staggered and had to regain his footing.  He didn't say a word, and neither did my friend.  And, lo and behold, the "bumping" ceased - never to reoccur.
  Another example of evolving out of HorseSense Wisdom and disruption of family systems: Blackfish 

TO THE CONTRARY Bonnie Erbé; Men & Aggression @ 0:42

  My point with this story?  i know we humans have "evolved".  And, i hold to be true and valid most commonly held modern beliefs about our society and child-rearing these days.  But - i also believe we humans hold instinctual, base functions too.  We are not machines, we are creatures of whatever belief system we ascribe to.  IMHO,  we would do well to re-frame our approach from time to time.  Consider what behaviors are really about?  Ponder what role does parenting have?  What is the function of a herd, pride or family for young?  Why is it important for humans to maintain consistent family groups, clear limits, firm boundaries?  What is the real function of family and all of the roles within?  Is it not to secure ourselves within a group for survival and prosperity (in the sense of doing better, not financial, necessarily)?  If young happen along, is family not to bring them up to capable maturity?  If for you, the answer is yes, then perhaps we would do well to be more observant of our animal brothers and sisters.  It seems to me, they have resisted the urge to "evolve" out of common - HorseSense Wisdom.  Mama Bear, I SAID stop

    







 











 Thank you for stopping by.  i hope, i have shared something that you can take with you to use and share with others.  i welcome your thoughts in the conversation.  i am new at this blogging thing, and hope to grow and evolve for the better, please be patient with me as i am a work in progress.
To The Contrary with Bonnie Erbé 
  Next time:  Birds.