Telling Boys to Have Sex

  

" It is up to the adults. It is up to the adults. To intervene. It's up to the adults to change things. It's up to the adults to set boundaries. It's up to adults to teach the kids right for from wrong. The message from this grand jury, of citizens of this good county is this: This community is rectifying the problems.  This community is taking charge.  This committee is fixing things. This community is holding people accountable. That's what this grand jury did. And that is the message from this grand jury.

  Several investigators who played a prominent role in this case live right here in Jefferson County. The Grand Jury itself is, of course, comprised of citizens of Jefferson County. No one knows more about this case than this grand jury.  They heard the evidence day, after day, after day, after day.  They heard the witnesses.  People made bad choices. And the grand jury said there are repercussions.  There are consequences.  And this grand jury said there has to be accountability.

  This community has suffered a great deal.  This community has suffered so much.  I personally feel for the good of the citizens of this community.  And for what they have endured.  I know they desperately need to be able to put this matter behind them.  What we must take away from these incidences is this:   All of us, all of us, no matter where we live, owe it to each other to be better neighbors, better classmates, better friends, better parents, better citizens.  We must treat rape, and sexual assault as a serious crime of violence that it is.  And when it is investigated, or when any other crimes is investigated.  Everyone has an obligation to help find the truth. Not hide the truth. Not tamper with the truth.  Not obstruct the truth.  And not destroy the true.  I've always known this community to be a great community.  It is a resilient community.   And though our investigation uncovered some very bad things.  That investigation is (sic) also reaffirmed some very good things about this community.  about the people, about the kids, and about their determination to move forward.  It is time to let Steubenville move on."

Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine addresses accountability in latest grand jury charges Steubenville, Ohio.  November 25, 2013

  The quote above by Attorney General DeWine is in regard to the well-publicized cover up of the rape of a teenage girl, first exposed by Prinniefied.com.  There are plenty of yet on-going discussions about the rape, the criminals, football/sports culture, and the co-conspirators.  That is not what i want to explore.

  What i would like to look at more thoughtfully is the larger issue of young male sexual activity.  How we define it, how we cultivate it, encourage it, protect it - and most significantly how we seem to have little to say about the consequences of it for boys outside of a pregnancy, or the loss of education/scholarship and sport career.

  There are many, many stories with particular and specific details.  i do not wish to parse the veracity of any one story, but i will use specific stories to illustrate a point without making the case that the specific story speaks for all or others of the same ilk.  i have read it is considered patronizing to use the word "obviously".  That the use of the word conveys an assumption by the speaker that the listener has sub-par intelligence.  i want to be explicit, in no way do i convey that message to you, the reader.  That being said.  Obviously, there are girls to consider in discussions about young straight boys' sexual activity.  However, here i limit my discussion to just boys, recognizing that both boys and girls have consequences.

  My jumping off place for this discussion are three cases, two relatively well known and public, and one personal and unknown:  one, in which a young boy goes to prison, another in which a young boy does NOT realize his dream of going to college with hopes to play pro football, and the last, where the young boy has to leave college.  The former, Brian Banks, went to prison for 5 years and 2 months,  and spent nearly 5 years on strict parole and sex offender registration.  The second, is a young man whose story is told as an adjunct on 16 and Pregnant, forfeits his football scholarship to  Alabama A & M* (* school unverified).  The third is a freshman boy who, alone in his dorm room, agrees to meet a girl, whom he believes to be 14 years old, for sex.

  What i know for certain is there is no inkling that any of these young men had ANY concept that they SHOULD NOT ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY - whatsoever.  There is no evidence of general parent consensus stating the obvious:  You should not!  i am NOT an "abstinence-only" cheerleader, and that is NOT what this is about.  In order, for the abstinence-only position to be put forth, SOMEONE would have had to discuss the "option" of not having sex with them!  What does seem pretty well documented, is conversations are had with boys about "throwing away their future", and making "sure you use protection".

  So, let's consider this.  WE are society, we create and convey our messages:  males, they are "more driven" sexually, relative to females and thus "gotta have it".  Males are consumed by, beholden too, and controlled by their sexual urges...  As such is the case, males, and certainly young males - would have NO ABILITY to say NO to an offer of sex.  Since any, and all, offers of sex could not possibly be turned down, would it not then follow that there could be no REASONABLE expectation (by adults) that a young male would take steps to protect his own health or the future life of a yet-to-be-conceived-child? 

  A recent episode of Parenthood, a parent asks another parent for advice regarding a 14 year old boy who wants the parent's daughter as a girl friend.  The consulting parent, a mom, suggests he tell them to "use protection".  That may have been tongue-in-cheek - i'll let you decide.  But, what i found startlingly was how cavalier the answer, given the ages of the children being discussed.  i noticed...  With what we know about our country's numbers of teen's sexual behavior - it hardly seems something to "joke" about.  And if the line was intended to be 'serious'.  What in the world is wrong with us?!

  We adults, create society's message to youth, and as parents, we convey the messages of society.  We  believe that boys are entitled to sexual activity at whatever age they are successful at obtaining it.  We believe boys are not "able" to resist.  And we believe boys are not able to control their sexual urges.  Why do we allow boys to roam freely?  In fact, why do we allow boys around girls - since our message to girls is clear - "don't have sex!"  Seriously, i AM asking the question.  If the predicates are true, wouldn't we be exposing our girls to pressure and rape? Oh, we ARE!

  We adults, who create society's message to youth, and as parents, we convey the messages of society; that sexual activity for boys is only consequentially relevant to "preserving their futures".  Do we not also convey the message that their sexual objects are just that - objects?  Certainly, our message does not convey the person who would be pregnant with a child, or the potential child are important considerations - as an individual, or potential individual.  While there is plenty of discussion of urges and hormones, there is no discussion of sex being anything other than that with regard to males.  Any discussion, or existence of, a relationship seems universally as simply a vehicle to sex.  i have not heard a pervasive message in society about the responsibility of the male to ensure the well-being of his sexual attention.  Not too much conversation about ensuring the best possible circumstances for the yet to be conceived child.  UNLESS - the male is privileged!  If the family circumstance of the boy is wealth and social privilege, we are ALL aware of the measures that are taken to prevent an illegitimate birth.  "Naturally", these measures would be taken AFTER conception - NO behavior adjustments with the male PRIOR to the sexual activity he takes that occasions the child.  There is of course, the shot-gun wedding.  That duty, whether enforced by the pissed off family of the female, or shouldered by the stand-up guy, having been taught by his family as required, doesn’t really get at the heart of the matter though, does it?

  In the third example i offered, the of-legal-age boy who attempts to meet an underage girl for sex.  There was no girl.  There never was a girl.  He was interacting with law enforcement in a sting operation.  This example is the most poignant for me.  i know this boy.  i watched him grow up.  i know him to be a "good kid" - its personal.  He was arrested, tried and convicted.  He was dismissed from the university.  He was placed under common community control measures i.e., rules about living in proximity to schools, reporting to probation officers, etc.  His parents both told me what had happened, and were outraged at the penalties he was issued.  They were loud, angry and vocal.  Both, were indignant that their child (who, they railed, had ADD) was subjected to the harsh treatment meted out to sexual predators.  When the young man himself shared with me a year or so after the fact what happened, he was remorseful, resigned, and discouraged.  i inquired of him did he think he was doing something wrong or something illegal at the time.  He thought, in hindsight, wrong maybe, but legality had not entered his mind.  He was thinking in terms of "wrong" as in, if my parents knew, i would be "in trouble".  i asked him if he would engage in sex with a girl we both knew who was the age of the cyber "girl", he was visibly horrified and said resoundingly NO!  When i asked him, what his parents had taught him about what he should or should not do with his penis?  He had a slightly vacant look on his face and said, well they told him about using protection.  i asked, did they tell you anything about legal consent?  Noooo... is voice trailed off.  What about when your penis turned 18 years of age, anything about that?  No, what do you mean he asked?  Did your parents or anyone talk with you about becoming a legal adult and how that would impact your sexual behavior?  No was the response.  He was really lost.  He had no idea what i was talking about - even then, well after his conviction and sentence.  i shared with him stories of my own youth.  The age of 18 was legal for alcohol when i was young.  We enjoyed the youthful excitement of drinking.  In our crowd there were a couple of people who were slightly younger.  We did not consider that we were "legal adults" when we shared our kool-aid wine and beer with our friends.  We too, would have been shocked if law enforcement had advised we had broken a law.  We would have been even more shocked if there were criminal consequences accompanying that misjudgement.  No one was explicit with us about the great divide between legal majority and legal minority.  But then, those were different times.  There was parental community control in my youth.  Our parents knew pretty much exactly where we were and who we were with most of the time.  i knew people, and even considered some of them friends, whose parents did not monitor their behavior - and they had plenty of bad behavior to be monitored.  But, i was not one of them.  My parents, while not explicit about the why's and wherefores of unadvised behavior, were VERY clear about the consequences at the house.  His parent's (who are my age peers) according to his perception, were virtually mum about today's times with regard to sexual predator laws and how that should inform his decision making.  He and i have chatted many times over the years - about the chances of getting his sentence reduced, expunged, getting off probation, being allowed to live within a certain distance of the neighborhood school, about how to get his life back on track.  He is a young adult male now.  His prospects for "promise" are dim if not completely unilluminated.  His every dating experience requires revealing the consequences of being a clueless 18 year old college freshman.  He is a victim.  i do not equate his situation with that of the fictious 14 year old girl had she existed and he had consummated his sexual urge - not even close.  But he is a victim, nonetheless.  He has been victimized by our society's lack of ability to define for children, sex, roles, boundaries, limits, responsibility, rules, and consequences.  He has been victimized by the mute button his parents, and adults have hit, the volume button that roared in his ears from the sexualization of our children by our silence, tacit and overt encouragement.  He has been victimized by our society's and parental set-up.

  i know a straight couple, husband and wife who are very active with leadership roles in their christian faith church.  The wife told me about a program at their church that teaches girls about the process of becoming women, literally, and their church doctrine about their roles as women in the church and family.  The husband is a deacon.  One day i asked him what the equivalent program was in the church led by the men for the boys.  He said there is none.  When i asked  him why not?  He snickered and said, “We don’t need one, boys know what to do”.  He was serious.  No need for information to be afforded boys in their church.  There is silence about the process of becoming men, and their roles as such.  What about porn, promiscuity, disease, learning to respect and value women, to protect themselves, i asked?  Silence.

WE tell boys to go out and have sex.  And they do.

   i Thank you for stopping by.  i hope, i have shared something that you can take with you to use and share with others.  i welcome your thoughts in the conversation.  i am new at this blogging thing, and hope to grow and evolve for the better, please be patient with me as i am a work in progress.

Next time:  Alcohol, Technology, Machines, Laundry and Cooking

Getting Boys to Behave like Girls - and other RIDICULOUS Parenting Strategies!

  Two twenty-something young women currently in the U.S. were recently discussing perceptions of Americans by those outside America.  One from the U.S., the other from Ireland, Brooklyn and Shannon, respectively.  Shannon said it is frequently discussed amongst her homeland peers that American GIRLS are having babies as teenagers in epidemic proportions.  Brooklyn was surprised to hear that this was the predominate impression of American teenage GIRLS.  As they discussed this further, they determined media is certainly a means of information dissemination.  However, the impressions of Shannon's and her friends are not based on "popular" media i.e., Teen Mom, etc.  Their facts are evidence based.  The U.S. teen pregnancy rate is nearly three times higher than that of Ireland's. - , http://www.unicef-irc.org/publications/pdf/repcard3e.pdf.  Anecdotally, Shannon does not know a SINGLE girl who got pregnant in high school.  While Brooklyn knows of many who have gotten pregnant in high school.

http://www.unicef-irc.org/publications/pdf/repcard3e.pdf

  i think it is noteworthy that the out-of-country perception, and what we RECOGNIZE in our society, is the female and the actual pregnancy.  We rarely speak of males with regard to teenagers creating children - as if somehow they are not part of the equation.  Nor, do we explicitly speak of the actual BEHAVIOR ,uh... that CAUSES the "girl's pregnancy"...

  We, in the U.S. seem to have some challenges with making up our minds about teenagers.  On the one hand we want our children to benefit from established brain science that tells us pre-frontal lobe development is not complete until the mid-twenties. On the other hand, we want to charge, try and convict  as adults, children who commit crimes.  We argue out of both sides of our mouths, cognition, judgement and self-regulation are immature in a society which wants to extend childhood; and we then abdicate our roles in educating, guiding, and controlling them.

  We establish laws controlling teenagers' sexual activity, marriage, alcohol access, motor vehicle operation, education, finances and many other aspects of their lives for their safety and the for benefit of society.  We protect the rights of, and assign culpability to parents to effect those laws.  Religions weigh in to lay down moral guideposts that further their goal.  And lastly communities and families represent social guidelines.  Lotta ingredients in the stew...  And, then we American parents settle in for a long slumber...

  The U.S. has among the lowest age of driver's license regulation and we are the highest in teen driving fatalities and the HIGHEST rate of automobile accident teen deaths!  Now. Why IS that?  And WHAT on earth does teen driving have to do with the subject of this post?

  imho we have a pervasive problem in america with responsibility - as in, "Oh. That's too hard, I think I'll just shrug and walk away - FROM MY OWN KIDS.  i think teenagers making babies are a symptom of the same mindlessness on the part of adults, as are the underlying factors of teen deaths in automobile accidents.  Leonard Evans asserts in his paper, Swedish versus USA Traffic Safety:  What Comparing Fatalities Tells Us:  "The largest reductions have been achieved by public policies aimed at reducing crashes (increasing use rates for active occupant protection devices, a behavioral factor, is also important). The goal must be the attainable one of developing public policies that lead to safer traffic in which crash risk is lower, not the unattainable goals of producing vehicles that are safe to crash, getting young people to behave like older people, or getting males to behave like females. 

  Before you get upset with me, i am declaring i am setting aside for the moment, for the purposes of this discussion, the actual occurrence of pregnancy, and the resulting child, if born, along with stipulations for the many socio-economic factors that are found in "teen pregnancy" writ large.  AND, i am assuming parents are people who had children AFTER their teen years - in other words people who were at least legally adults prior to conceiving the teenagers we are discussing here.  (Hang in with me for a minute please.)

  My own parenting experience may have been unusual in the following way - i was almost always significantly older than my parent peers (people who had a child the same age as my own).  And my own age peers had long ago passed the stages i was in, as they had children significantly older than my own.  Anecdotally, i can say without exception, i never had a conversation with even one parent peer or age peer, in which one said, "You know, I think I'll hold off on... (fill in the blank).  As far as i could tell, the herd mentality was stampeding blithely over the group-think cliff clutching their children to their chests.  It did not seem to matter if it were a "big" or "small" "issue" - junk food, video games, driving, cell phones, computers/tv's in bedrooms, or allowing a child to "go steady" at age fourteen.  All my "casual" inquiries as to what they thought about limiting, reducing, denying any societal "norm" or milestone was met with a blank look, a shrug, sigh and " Well, what are ya gonna do?  That's what all the kids are doing these days".  As if somehow the natural order of things had been newly written.  Children were no longer born to parents; parents were no longer responsible for bringing thoughtfulness, judgement, guidance, limits and boundaries to bear on their young.  Seriously, it was like being stuck in concurrently airing episodes of The Twilight Zone and The Stepford Wives!

  i stipulate that children need to develop independence, self-sufficiency, and judgement to become fully functioning adults.  The point i would like to address here is - HOW do children develop those skills?  It is by throwing them to the wolves?  Or, by judging an individual child and setting forth the challenges you ASSESS they are able to meet?  Collectively, as a society, do we write laws, and create institutions in SPITE of the evidence clearly demonstrating children are not capable of managing?

  With regard to teen age BOYS and girls having sex "prematurely" the resulting pregnancies, STD's, emotional retardation of growth/development, and lost realization of potentials; are we not being ridiculous when we "frown upon" the "evidence" of the sex, but do not put into practice the means and methods to deter, if not prevent, the behavior?  We know when and where children are engaging in sexual behavior .  We know that children are ill equipped to manage and defer the impulsiveness of the compulsions of the age.  We are scientifically certain the ability and necessary life experience to anticipate consequences is not present.  Why do we think supervision for children is only necessary until approximately ages ten to twelve?  We understand there are dangers associated with unattended young children, but fail to acknowledge there are dangers associated with leaving older children unattended.  We know teenage girls, when engaged in sex with boys, do so because they are pressured by boys.  We know in this society there are NO messages whatsoever to boys that they ought NOT be sexuality active.  We know that early sexual activity by adolescent males contributes to higher levels of aggression - sexually, and in other areas.  Group think and inappropriate group sexual behaviors (pack mentality) without the benefit of maturity to grasp the gravitas of their actions or the consequences are documented at this point to have established normative behavior.  The numbers are definitive on the unlikelihood of the sustainability of the relationship in straight teens when a pregnancy occurs, whether or not a live birth results and/or the child is kept to be raised by the girl (and the girl's family) or placed in an adoptive setting.

So, why are we asleep at the wheel?

link to quote Ohio Atty General statement about accountability here.

   i Thank you for stopping by.  i hope, i have shared something that you can take with you to use and share with others.  i welcome your thoughts in the conversation.  i am new at this blogging thing, and hope to grow and evolve for the better, please be patient with me as i am a work in progress.

  Next time: socialization of boys - priming them for early sexual behavior or; the teenage parent who becomes the parent of a teenage parent.

Bird Parenting, or Parenting by the Birds