What do you give your kids? Why do you give it to them? When do you give it to them?
Do you let your kids use social networking platforms?
- facebook's rules say you need to be 13 years old to have an account
- Twitter, in their TOS caution, "you are responsible for your use of the Services, for any Content you post to the Services, and for any consequences thereof." As Lisa Nielson observes in her blog The Innovative Educator, originally Twitter had a minimum age of 13 years of age, but currently has no age restriction, Twitter helpfully offers "safety tips for parents", and employs "Age screening is a way for brands and others to determine online whether a follower meets a minimum age requirement".
- Instagram TOU states, "You must be at least 13 years old to use the Service". fb now owns Instagram.
The three noted above are just a glimpse of what children have access to via the world wide web. There are a myriad of social networking sites for us to lose ourselves in. And that is not even broaching the subject of apps like Snapchat or Secret SMS App.
If parents are curious and motivated enough to check up on kids. How's this for scary?!
(grownups, if you don't know what an app is, look here.)
And then there are the dizzying array of social networking apps .All human children have certain commonalities with one another. They are ALL born to parent(s). They are ALL born instinctually knowing their needs. And ALL children will not survive (read: become fully functioning adults) without care, education, training from adults [read: parent(s)]. Hmmm...wonder why that is? In a related story - it seems all human children develop the ability to challenge limits and boundaries, and they ALL learn about wants. ;)
It is not hard to understand how children come to confuse a need with a want. Nor is it puzzle to see how parents would react reflexively to fulfill the want of a child. After all, both parties are hardwired to see the other and demand/fulfill needs - that is how nature intends it. Without the primordial call/response instinct firing off, it is a certainty that children will die; and parents will fail. But, what if the call/response gets twisted or perverted, and in that, loses its purpose?
In our home, the clock could be set by my mom or dad boiling his eggs in the evening for his next day's lunch, by his knee-popping ascent up the stairs, adjusting the thermostat to nighttime temperature on his way to bed. There were many absolutes when i was a child. Two were, picking up the fallen twigs and branches so Dad could mow when he returned home after his Saturday morning shift, and no calls from my friends after 8:30 p.m. There were rules and guidelines when i was a teen. Learning for the first time about social interactions were driven by my age and development. Teaching those lessons, was driven by my parents. With whom i shared my PARENT'S phone number [there were only home phone numbers in those days ;) ] was up to me... However, if i gave my PARENT'S number out, the person who would call certainly would not get a second call through to me, IF:
"Hello, Mr./Mrs. Parent, this is WOULDBEFRIEND, is TEENAGER in? Or,
"Hello, This is WOULDBEFRIEND, may I please speak to TEENAGER?", was not spoken, articulately and politely.
IF, that call was made after 8:30 p.m., that call would NOT get through. Although, my parents would answer and ascertain who was on the other end - for future reference! It was that simple. In my social development, my parents told me WHEN i was allowed to receive phone calls on THEIR phone and they set the guidelines for that privilege. They told me what the rules were regarding using that phone - for me, AND for whomever i might want to call me. It was not stated explicitly, but it was up to me to decide who would be a likely candidate to follow those rules AND to COMMUNICATE the rules to the would be friend. i did pick a couple of candidates that did not follow the rules... i didn't speak with them on my PARENT'S phone. It was that simple. Really. We kids also understood, our parents had homes, phones, cars, etc. We kids knew that our parents were the ones who had jobs, and acquired those things. What we kids had were things our parents provided for us. We were clear, our parents' belongings were not our belongings. They earned their stuff, and if we wanted stuff, we would have to earn it.
What my parents understood and undertook was that it was their job to "raise" me. It was that simple. REALLY. What they accomplished by setting the rules they did for me was gain an understanding of who and how i was picking "friends", they observed what kind of person was i accepting of in my life. Was i picking people for friends who had "home-training"? Was i picking people for friends who were willing to respect boundaries, follow rules, and behave as expected? Or, not. What my parents were doing was PARENTING. Giving me information about my choices, that i was not aware of at the time. Giving me an opportunity to grow and develop with boundaries that would give me feedback. Clearly, as a 13, 15 or 17 year old - i was NOT AWARE of what they were doing. But, as a parent myself, during the beginning of the not-for-generating-income-social-use-of cell phones for children era, the genius of those "antiquated" parenting modalities became crystal clear!
My Wee One came to the teen years in the first decade of the 21st century. There were people who were the parents of her peers who had wealth, AND a parenting philosophy that ascribed to giving kids what they WANTED. As it shook out in the lottery of life, my resources were not of that ilk, and my philosophy was not skewed toward attending to, or meeting my child's WANTS. What preoccupied me was, how to keep a roof over my child's head and food in that forever empty belly! i was focused on how to teach my child to differentiate between a want and a need. i parsed out how to discern what wants of my child's that i might attempt to fulfill - and under what terms. My teen did not have consistent use of a cell phone until junior year of high school. There was the freshman year bootleg phone, a "gift" from a "friend". That earned a one year delay. Sophomore year, grades and such were up to snuff, so a phone was given. It was promptly lost it due to the 131 text messages sent and received during a two hour period of time that homework was supposed to be done. What i was trying to measure was what ability this kid had to stand alone, in the face of peers and do what was expected. Failing those tests was a clear indication, the pull of sexting, stranger interactions on the internet, etc. would not - could not be resisted. Thus, i knew i would be putting my child in harm's way - no less than if i were to post a sign at the nearest busy intersection saying my child was home alone, doors unlocked, and gave my address!
My parents gave me another gift, delivered by the hand of my father. In my earlier teens, i poured over the Montgomery Wards and Sears catalogs, bending the corners of pages displaying the pictures and particulars of 10-speed bikes, you remember - the ones that had the ram handlebars. Apparently, my parents, had decided to buy me a bike for a birthday or christmas that year. My father said, "Well, I was planning to buy you a 3-speed." You know, the ones where you sat UPRIGHT - ugh! "But, if you'd rather have a 10-speed", continued my father, "I will contribute 3 speeds worth of the money." i STILL remember the price of the bike i'd had in mind - it was $79.99. The dollar contribution of the 3-speeds my dad was offering was $49.99. So, all i had to do was earn and contribute the $30.00 difference and i WAS THEEERRRE on my dream bike! Cars were washed, shoes were polished, at 50¢ a pair, (that skill came in handy when i was in basic training!), babies were sat, snow was shoveled. When i had my contribution to the additional 7 speeds, my dad contributed his initial commitment amount AND split the tax with me! i did purchase my teen's first phone. It was not on an account, it was prepaid - guess who had to buy the time?
When it came time for these kinds of challenges with my own child, my parenting was informed by how i was parented. There were many things my parents did that i bristled at as a child. There were many tears, and profound feelings of not being loved, cared about and abandonment as i pushed through my teenage years developmentally. i understand now, of course, that they did love, care for and about me. They were there for me. But, they did not kowtow to my "feelings" and capitulate to their own feelings in reaction to my sadness. They were PARENTS . They parentED. They thought things through, to the best of their ability, to make choices on my behalf, or for me, that would guide, teach and protect me in life. They were not overly concerned with, or held hostage by, my angst. They understood my feelings would pass, and that my comprehension would grow. They knew i would learn to discern what was real neglect, abuse or abandonment, versus what not getting a want met felt like. They gave me an opportunity to learn what needs were - and how needs get met. They taught me how to manage the word "no", and how to learn what was a boundary or limit versus what was an obstacle. There are differences between the two. Today, do i wish my parents had articulated more? Yes, i do. My kind of brain likes information and communication. Would i have been able to understand the underlying reasons for the limits and boundaries they put in place for me? Likely, not. Would i have still been emotionally immature? Yes, without doubt. A teen brain is still a teen brain - it has limits to what it can process and understand. It is that simple. Really.
But, taking off on my parenting experience as a child, i did verbalize with my Wee One more than my parents did with me. My Wee One would likely tell you it was ad nauseum. But, i did it nonetheless. i felt the need to communicate, to explain, what it means when i say to my child, "but i am not Johnny's parent and i am not concerned with what Johnny's parents are giving Johnny".
In that message, there is a conversation about peer pressure, group-think, and manipulation going on. For the "But what if there's an emergency?" parents. My child at elementary, junior high and most of high school age was NOT in environments where there was no phone available in the event of an emergency, or ADULT supervision with access to a phone. Why/How you ask? Because, i as the parent, was approving, or not, where Wee One could be, and with whom! i was still ascertaining if an adult was present and in charge. So, a phone was NOT a necessity - CLEARLY. For the ages of elementary, junior high and most of high school my child was LEARNING to be social. How to pick friends, what kinds of behaviors and values were acceptable, and which were not. Would parenting occur if during those lessons - i was simply NOT THERE? No, parenting would not occur. That would be abandonment. Just because you drop them off to, and pick them up after, some event or gathering THAT YOU DIDN'T screen, does not mean that you did not abandon your child! It is that simple. Really.
Candy, Bicycles, Televisions, Phones, Computers, Televisions, Cars, Social Networking Accounts: Why, when and under what circumstances would WE ADULTS make these things available to children? i think the answer is simple. Really. When we ADULTS can be reasonably assured that FIRST, these things will not bring harm to our children. That second, our children are reasonably equipped to manage the thing we are giving them. Would you give a 9-month old baby a jawbreaker? No? Why not? Because, the child is NOT equipped to manage eating a jawbreaker! Simple. We as parents ARE SOLELY responsible for developing, establishing, and having SOME criteria for providing our children with growth opportunities - aside from what other people are doing with their kids, and that which is established by the law or rules.
In response to what some teens said in a NBC TODAY piece, regarding the digital life children live, a father said, "I worry more about the direct access that everybody has to my daughter because she's got the smart phone. And my fear is more about the people she knows and what they are saying to her than it is the internet." Well, YEH! It IS appropriate to "be concerned" about 'the world' being able to have direct access to your children without filter, and MOST IMPORTANTLY - without you being able to shield, protect, guide, teach and interpret for your children
If you KNOW as a parent, as an adult - there are dangers THAT YOU ARE WILLINGLY PUTTING YOUR CHILD IN FRONT OF, are you REALLY going to default to what "Johnny's parents" are choosing for JOHNNY?! REALLY? And when your child is hurt, damaged and overwhelmed, because they are negotiating a world they are not yet prepared to navigate ALONE - yes, WHEN they are hurt - who should they call for help, you? Aren't you the one they were SUPPOSED to rely on for protection in the first place?
So, the person who PUT them in harm's way, is the same person we expect them to turn to for assistance. Kids may not be fully developed human beings, but their noses work just fine - and THAT proposition smells of horse-pucky! Seriously. It is that simple. Really. Weakness, laziness, ignorance, inability, skewed understanding of values - whatever. It is the responsibility of the ADULTS, the PARENTS, to put on big girl/big boy panties. To value, protect, shield, guide, teach, love and usher our children into adulthood - keeping damages by the process to a minimum as much as possible. Grow up. And help your kids do the same. It is that simple. Really.
i Thank you for stopping by. i hope, i have shared something that you can take with you to use and share with others. i welcome your thoughts in the conversation. i am new at this blogging thing, and hope to grow and evolve for the better, please be patient with me as i am a work in progress.
Next time: Teaching Children What Love Is
