" It is up to the adults. It is up to the adults. To intervene. It's up to the adults to change things. It's up to the adults to set boundaries. It's up to adults to teach the kids right for from wrong. The message from this grand jury, of citizens of this good county is this: This community is rectifying the problems. This community is taking charge. This committee is fixing things. This community is holding people accountable. That's what this grand jury did. And that is the message from this grand jury.
Several investigators who played a prominent role in this case live right here in Jefferson County. The Grand Jury itself is, of course, comprised of citizens of Jefferson County. No one knows more about this case than this grand jury. They heard the evidence day, after day, after day, after day. They heard the witnesses. People made bad choices. And the grand jury said there are repercussions. There are consequences. And this grand jury said there has to be accountability.
This community has suffered a great deal. This community has suffered so much. I personally feel for the good of the citizens of this community. And for what they have endured. I know they desperately need to be able to put this matter behind them. What we must take away from these incidences is this: All of us, all of us, no matter where we live, owe it to each other to be better neighbors, better classmates, better friends, better parents, better citizens. We must treat rape, and sexual assault as a serious crime of violence that it is. And when it is investigated, or when any other crimes is investigated. Everyone has an obligation to help find the truth. Not hide the truth. Not tamper with the truth. Not obstruct the truth. And not destroy the true. I've always known this community to be a great community. It is a resilient community. And though our investigation uncovered some very bad things. That investigation is (sic) also reaffirmed some very good things about this community. about the people, about the kids, and about their determination to move forward. It is time to let Steubenville move on."
Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine addresses accountability in latest grand jury charges Steubenville, Ohio. November 25, 2013
The quote above by Attorney General DeWine is in regard to the well-publicized cover up of the rape of a teenage girl, first exposed by Prinniefied.com. There are plenty of yet on-going discussions about the rape, the criminals, football/sports culture, and the co-conspirators. That is not what i want to explore.
What i would like to look at more thoughtfully is the larger issue of young male sexual activity. How we define it, how we cultivate it, encourage it, protect it - and most significantly how we seem to have little to say about the consequences of it for boys outside of a pregnancy, or the loss of education/scholarship and sport career.
There are many, many stories with particular and specific details. i do not wish to parse the veracity of any one story, but i will use specific stories to illustrate a point without making the case that the specific story speaks for all or others of the same ilk. i have read it is considered patronizing to use the word "obviously". That the use of the word conveys an assumption by the speaker that the listener has sub-par intelligence. i want to be explicit, in no way do i convey that message to you, the reader. That being said. Obviously, there are girls to consider in discussions about young straight boys' sexual activity. However, here i limit my discussion to just boys, recognizing that both boys and girls have consequences.
My jumping off place for this discussion are three cases, two relatively well known and public, and one personal and unknown: one, in which a young boy goes to prison, another in which a young boy does NOT realize his dream of going to college with hopes to play pro football, and the last, where the young boy has to leave college. The former, Brian Banks, went to prison for 5 years and 2 months, and spent nearly 5 years on strict parole and sex offender registration. The second, is a young man whose story is told as an adjunct on 16 and Pregnant, forfeits his football scholarship to Alabama A & M* (* school unverified). The third is a freshman boy who, alone in his dorm room, agrees to meet a girl, whom he believes to be 14 years old, for sex.
What i know for certain is there is no inkling that any of these young men had ANY concept that they SHOULD NOT ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY - whatsoever. There is no evidence of general parent consensus stating the obvious: You should not! i am NOT an "abstinence-only" cheerleader, and that is NOT what this is about. In order, for the abstinence-only position to be put forth, SOMEONE would have had to discuss the "option" of not having sex with them! What does seem pretty well documented, is conversations are had with boys about "throwing away their future", and making "sure you use protection".
So, let's consider this. WE are society, we create and convey our messages: males, they are "more driven" sexually, relative to females and thus "gotta have it". Males are consumed by, beholden too, and controlled by their sexual urges... As such is the case, males, and certainly young males - would have NO ABILITY to say NO to an offer of sex. Since any, and all, offers of sex could not possibly be turned down, would it not then follow that there could be no REASONABLE expectation (by adults) that a young male would take steps to protect his own health or the future life of a yet-to-be-conceived-child?
A recent episode of Parenthood, a parent asks another parent for advice regarding a 14 year old boy who wants the parent's daughter as a girl friend. The consulting parent, a mom, suggests he tell them to "use protection". That may have been tongue-in-cheek - i'll let you decide. But, what i found startlingly was how cavalier the answer, given the ages of the children being discussed. i noticed... With what we know about our country's numbers of teen's sexual behavior - it hardly seems something to "joke" about. And if the line was intended to be 'serious'. What in the world is wrong with us?!
We adults, create society's message to youth, and as parents, we convey the messages of society. We believe that boys are entitled to sexual activity at whatever age they are successful at obtaining it. We believe boys are not "able" to resist. And we believe boys are not able to control their sexual urges. Why do we allow boys to roam freely? In fact, why do we allow boys around girls - since our message to girls is clear - "don't have sex!" Seriously, i AM asking the question. If the predicates are true, wouldn't we be exposing our girls to pressure and rape? Oh, we ARE!
We adults, who create society's message to youth, and as parents, we convey the messages of society; that sexual activity for boys is only consequentially relevant to "preserving their futures". Do we not also convey the message that their sexual objects are just that - objects? Certainly, our message does not convey the person who would be pregnant with a child, or the potential child are important considerations - as an individual, or potential individual. While there is plenty of discussion of urges and hormones, there is no discussion of sex being anything other than that with regard to males. Any discussion, or existence of, a relationship seems universally as simply a vehicle to sex. i have not heard a pervasive message in society about the responsibility of the male to ensure the well-being of his sexual attention. Not too much conversation about ensuring the best possible circumstances for the yet to be conceived child. UNLESS - the male is privileged! If the family circumstance of the boy is wealth and social privilege, we are ALL aware of the measures that are taken to prevent an illegitimate birth. "Naturally", these measures would be taken AFTER conception - NO behavior adjustments with the male PRIOR to the sexual activity he takes that occasions the child. There is of course, the shot-gun wedding. That duty, whether enforced by the pissed off family of the female, or shouldered by the stand-up guy, having been taught by his family as required, doesn’t really get at the heart of the matter though, does it?
In the third example i offered, the of-legal-age boy who attempts to meet an underage girl for sex. There was no girl. There never was a girl. He was interacting with law enforcement in a sting operation. This example is the most poignant for me. i know this boy. i watched him grow up. i know him to be a "good kid" - its personal. He was arrested, tried and convicted. He was dismissed from the university. He was placed under common community control measures i.e., rules about living in proximity to schools, reporting to probation officers, etc. His parents both told me what had happened, and were outraged at the penalties he was issued. They were loud, angry and vocal. Both, were indignant that their child (who, they railed, had ADD) was subjected to the harsh treatment meted out to sexual predators. When the young man himself shared with me a year or so after the fact what happened, he was remorseful, resigned, and discouraged. i inquired of him did he think he was doing something wrong or something illegal at the time. He thought, in hindsight, wrong maybe, but legality had not entered his mind. He was thinking in terms of "wrong" as in, if my parents knew, i would be "in trouble". i asked him if he would engage in sex with a girl we both knew who was the age of the cyber "girl", he was visibly horrified and said resoundingly NO! When i asked him, what his parents had taught him about what he should or should not do with his penis? He had a slightly vacant look on his face and said, well they told him about using protection. i asked, did they tell you anything about legal consent? Noooo... is voice trailed off. What about when your penis turned 18 years of age, anything about that? No, what do you mean he asked? Did your parents or anyone talk with you about becoming a legal adult and how that would impact your sexual behavior? No was the response. He was really lost. He had no idea what i was talking about - even then, well after his conviction and sentence. i shared with him stories of my own youth. The age of 18 was legal for alcohol when i was young. We enjoyed the youthful excitement of drinking. In our crowd there were a couple of people who were slightly younger. We did not consider that we were "legal adults" when we shared our kool-aid wine and beer with our friends. We too, would have been shocked if law enforcement had advised we had broken a law. We would have been even more shocked if there were criminal consequences accompanying that misjudgement. No one was explicit with us about the great divide between legal majority and legal minority. But then, those were different times. There was parental community control in my youth. Our parents knew pretty much exactly where we were and who we were with most of the time. i knew people, and even considered some of them friends, whose parents did not monitor their behavior - and they had plenty of bad behavior to be monitored. But, i was not one of them. My parents, while not explicit about the why's and wherefores of unadvised behavior, were VERY clear about the consequences at the house. His parent's (who are my age peers) according to his perception, were virtually mum about today's times with regard to sexual predator laws and how that should inform his decision making. He and i have chatted many times over the years - about the chances of getting his sentence reduced, expunged, getting off probation, being allowed to live within a certain distance of the neighborhood school, about how to get his life back on track. He is a young adult male now. His prospects for "promise" are dim if not completely unilluminated. His every dating experience requires revealing the consequences of being a clueless 18 year old college freshman. He is a victim. i do not equate his situation with that of the fictious 14 year old girl had she existed and he had consummated his sexual urge - not even close. But he is a victim, nonetheless. He has been victimized by our society's lack of ability to define for children, sex, roles, boundaries, limits, responsibility, rules, and consequences. He has been victimized by the mute button his parents, and adults have hit, the volume button that roared in his ears from the sexualization of our children by our silence, tacit and overt encouragement. He has been victimized by our society's and parental set-up.
i know a straight couple, husband and wife who are very active with leadership roles in their christian faith church. The wife told me about a program at their church that teaches girls about the process of becoming women, literally, and their church doctrine about their roles as women in the church and family. The husband is a deacon. One day i asked him what the equivalent program was in the church led by the men for the boys. He said there is none. When i asked him why not? He snickered and said, “We don’t need one, boys know what to do”. He was serious. No need for information to be afforded boys in their church. There is silence about the process of becoming men, and their roles as such. What about porn, promiscuity, disease, learning to respect and value women, to protect themselves, i asked? Silence.
WE tell boys to go out and have sex. And they do.
i Thank you for stopping by. i hope, i have shared something that you can take with you to use and share with others. i welcome your thoughts in the conversation. i am new at this blogging thing, and hope to grow and evolve for the better, please be patient with me as i am a work in progress.
Next time: Alcohol, Technology, Machines, Laundry and Cooking
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