 Creative Commons Attribution/Share-Alike License |
| Mother & Calf Elephant Photo Credit: PJ KAPDostie. |
Why is there a picture of a cow and calf elephant on a post by HorseSense Wisdom you ask? Because, a recent discussion with a friend about raising children, brought to mind a long ago airing of a dysfunctional group of elephants. In retelling the lessons i took from that story, my friend urged me to "Write Already wouldya"! That story, airing originally on 60 Minutes, The Delinquents, brought home to me how, in many ways, humans have lost our way in creating healthy families. Video by David Tereshchuk of the original group of elephants and other elephant communities can be seen here .
The discussion with my friend about their male children's behavior, especially aggression, toward female family members reminded me of another friend who was caring for a male pre-adolescent who had lost his mother to death, and was without family to care for him. In the latter circumstance, there was no doubt the child had been deeply affected by his mother's long-term health issues over his entire short lifetime, and then there was her death.
At such a tender age, many of us agree that we recognize children are what i describe as "pre-verbal emotionally". By that i mean, it is my belief adolescence brings about a myriad of new emotions with little to no cognitive ability to identify, name, or discuss rationally the roil of new feelings. My own parental assessment of this time, is that it bears striking similarities to toddler-hood wherein the child is truly pre-verbal, but developing physical capabilities with enormous rapidity. Thus, the toddler is completely overwhelmed with growth and development but is without honed skills to cope.
This boy, had developed a habit of "bumping" into his female caregiver as they passed each other in the home going about daily activities. It seemed, in the rather spacious house, there was not enough room for them to pass one another without him "bumping" her shoulder with his own. My second friend, a self-described girly-girl - did not know of an old-school way of negotiating the playground pecking order. There was a ritual in which two children, equally matched in age and size, would face one another, offset, shoulder- to-shoulder. Then, walking in a circle, while maintaining the same orientation to one another, the two would begin bumping shoulders. This would continue until an imperceptible increase in force of a bump from one would signal a line had been crossed, and the fist-fight would begin. The fight, usually taking less time than the pre-fight ritual, would establish or resolve the pecking order challenge for those involved, and life on the playground would go on. This kind of primordial behavior is what i thought was going on. i inquired of my friend, if "the lack of space" in the house had resulted in any bumping of her husband by the child? No, was the response. i noted, that while i had a weekly homework, dinner and fun night with the child - i had had no "cramped quarters" physical encounters with the child either. Hmmmm.... He was already participating in ongoing grief and other counseling. We saw other behaviors that indicated the child had some anger/rage that was squirting out sideways, so to speak. All of the responsible things folks do in this day and age, like employing an emotion chart, and engaging the child to help him learn to express himself, talking about the "bumping", and a brand new speed bag for him in the basement of my home, etc., were being done. Still, this bumping continues.
Here was my thought, (thinking elephant) 'you're bigger than him - lean into it. And then, stand stock still, lock eyes, do NOT avert your gaze and don't say a word'. This was not an idea my friend was receptive to - at all! lol. The bumping continued. Then one day, who knows why, but there was one bump too many. And... a bump conveying the limit had been reached was issued. He didn't fall, or crash into anything, nor was he hurt in any way. But he wasn't expecting it. Thus he staggered and had to regain his footing. He didn't say a word, and neither did my friend. And, lo and behold, the "bumping" ceased - never to reoccur.
Another example of evolving out of HorseSense Wisdom and disruption of family systems: Blackfish
My point with this story? i know we humans have "evolved". And, i hold to be true and valid most commonly held modern beliefs about our society and child-rearing these days. But - i also believe we humans hold instinctual, base functions too. We are not machines, we are creatures of whatever belief system we ascribe to. IMHO, we would do well to re-frame our approach from time to time. Consider what behaviors are really about? Ponder what role does parenting have? What is the function of a herd, pride or family for young? Why is it important for humans to maintain consistent family groups, clear limits, firm boundaries? What is the real function of family and all of the roles within? Is it not to secure ourselves within a group for survival and prosperity (in the sense of doing better, not financial, necessarily)? If young happen along, is family not to bring them up to capable maturity? If for you, the answer is yes, then perhaps we would do well to be more observant of our animal brothers and sisters. It seems to me, they have resisted the urge to "evolve" out of common - HorseSense Wisdom. Mama Bear, I SAID stop
Thank you for stopping by. i hope, i have shared something that you can take with you to use and share with others. i welcome your thoughts in the conversation. i am new at this blogging thing, and hope to grow and evolve for the better, please be patient with me as i am a work in progress.
To The Contrary with Bonnie Erbé
Next time: Birds.
The discussion with my friend about their male children's behavior, especially aggression, toward female family members reminded me of another friend who was caring for a male pre-adolescent who had lost his mother to death, and was without family to care for him. In the latter circumstance, there was no doubt the child had been deeply affected by his mother's long-term health issues over his entire short lifetime, and then there was her death.
At such a tender age, many of us agree that we recognize children are what i describe as "pre-verbal emotionally". By that i mean, it is my belief adolescence brings about a myriad of new emotions with little to no cognitive ability to identify, name, or discuss rationally the roil of new feelings. My own parental assessment of this time, is that it bears striking similarities to toddler-hood wherein the child is truly pre-verbal, but developing physical capabilities with enormous rapidity. Thus, the toddler is completely overwhelmed with growth and development but is without honed skills to cope.
This boy, had developed a habit of "bumping" into his female caregiver as they passed each other in the home going about daily activities. It seemed, in the rather spacious house, there was not enough room for them to pass one another without him "bumping" her shoulder with his own. My second friend, a self-described girly-girl - did not know of an old-school way of negotiating the playground pecking order. There was a ritual in which two children, equally matched in age and size, would face one another, offset, shoulder- to-shoulder. Then, walking in a circle, while maintaining the same orientation to one another, the two would begin bumping shoulders. This would continue until an imperceptible increase in force of a bump from one would signal a line had been crossed, and the fist-fight would begin. The fight, usually taking less time than the pre-fight ritual, would establish or resolve the pecking order challenge for those involved, and life on the playground would go on. This kind of primordial behavior is what i thought was going on. i inquired of my friend, if "the lack of space" in the house had resulted in any bumping of her husband by the child? No, was the response. i noted, that while i had a weekly homework, dinner and fun night with the child - i had had no "cramped quarters" physical encounters with the child either. Hmmmm.... He was already participating in ongoing grief and other counseling. We saw other behaviors that indicated the child had some anger/rage that was squirting out sideways, so to speak. All of the responsible things folks do in this day and age, like employing an emotion chart, and engaging the child to help him learn to express himself, talking about the "bumping", and a brand new speed bag for him in the basement of my home, etc., were being done. Still, this bumping continues.
Here was my thought, (thinking elephant) 'you're bigger than him - lean into it. And then, stand stock still, lock eyes, do NOT avert your gaze and don't say a word'. This was not an idea my friend was receptive to - at all! lol. The bumping continued. Then one day, who knows why, but there was one bump too many. And... a bump conveying the limit had been reached was issued. He didn't fall, or crash into anything, nor was he hurt in any way. But he wasn't expecting it. Thus he staggered and had to regain his footing. He didn't say a word, and neither did my friend. And, lo and behold, the "bumping" ceased - never to reoccur.
Another example of evolving out of HorseSense Wisdom and disruption of family systems: Blackfish
Thank you for stopping by. i hope, i have shared something that you can take with you to use and share with others. i welcome your thoughts in the conversation. i am new at this blogging thing, and hope to grow and evolve for the better, please be patient with me as i am a work in progress.
To The Contrary with Bonnie Erbé
Next time: Birds.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Welcome & Thank you for joining in the discussion!