Bird Parenting; Or, Parenting by the Birds

  Long ago, my after work routine was to strap on the backpack baby carrier and take my wee

Male of nesting pair.

one for a walk.  i loved that time so for how we reconnected after being apart all day, and for how all of my daily grown-up worries slowly dissolved, dripping off my slowly un-furrowing brow with each step.  Wee One would excitedly kick me in my kidneys, raise a jelly roll arm with stubby pointed finger squealing "Burd!"  Birds, it turns out were favorites, as were scampering "skirrels" and "burflies".   (Wee One talked early, and a lot.) Consumed at the time with all things infant-toddler, little did i realize that those walks would lay the groundwork for important conversations to come.

  Years later, there were adventures in our awesome back yard climbing tree.  One involved  peering into a squirrel's nest at the very tippy-top.  THANK goodness a nursing mother was not home at the time!  There were many climbs up and down to more closely observe bird's nests and inspect "callipitter" cocoons.  Fact is, that tree and a nearby creek were major factors in my purchase decision, and it paid off in spades!

Our awesome wise old tree.

In the time it takes for the moon to traverse an inky blue summer sky, watching the sweet joy of discovery in those adventures morphed into parental coronary-event conversations.  (You know the kind.  "It's the big one, Elizabeth!").  Those moments of frozen parental panic stemmed from statements and questions like: "My friend has a boy/girl-friend.  What's that?"; and "So-and-so said they 'like' me"; and "What do you do with a boy/girl-friend?"  And THAT was BEFORE Junior High!  Wee One's schoolmate boys practiced being "hard" and "manly";  and the girls wore nail polish, tights, heels and makeup - not a pair of knee-high socks nor a ponytail in sight.  This was not Wee One's parent's elementary school, FERSHURE!
 
  i gave minimalist answers, desperate to buy time.  What the heck was going on?!  Between work, homework, lessons, groceries, chores and the every day parental challenges of herding cats - it had not dawned on me that times had changed MY internal parent clock on some things.  Changes in how people perceived the stages of childhood was threatening to wind my parental hour hand forward!  i scoured my own childhood memories for the EXACT moment i had become aware of coupling behavior, in the first person. i was certain it was NOT in elementary school!  i did recall Red Rover, Red Rover until well into the evening dusk.  i remembered triumphant goodbyes to my mother as we headed off to find the "beginning" of the neighborhood creek equipped with my empty Miracle Whip jar with its carefully placed nail holes puncturing the lid, to hold captured pollywogs, and bullfrogs.  There were daily games of pickle, which afforded me the opportunity to learn to use a post-hole digger after i took out our mailbox.  We rode sting-ray bicycles, mini-bikes, and then dirt bikes.  i remembered getting squirrels to take peanuts and bread out of our hands.  We made terrariums and over-wintered caterpillars for the joy of watching Monarchs emerge.  But... no.  No talk of romance in elementary school that i could recall.

  My politics about many things evolved and were adapted for parenting Wee One.  There were gender neutral games, toys and language in Wee One's life from day one.  i found our first-world politics of language was a HUGE challenge!  My teachings compensated for male characters and pronoun's representing all things active, powerful, noble, stoic and heroic.  i rejected female characters and pronouns for inanimate objects, female as default in care-taking roles and professions, any display of emotion and, of course, self-sacrifice.  Grimm and Disney bit the dust nearly entirely along with many childhood ditties and rhymes.  Thankfully, we have real people in our lives that were contrary to stereotypes.  And i was fortunate to enroll Wee One in a Montessori school where, at least in philosophy, stereotypes were acknowledged and attempts were made to undo the damage they create.  There was a huge stink with grandmother to wrangle a change from telling Wee One "when you grow up and get married  to, "If you decide to get married after you've gone to college and are all grown up".   i had to intervene (all too often) with adults who quizzed Wee One as to whether or not there was "someone special" at school.  [SERIOUSLY! What is that about?  What in the world is going on in our society where we ask an eight year old if they have a romantic interest - or a 16 year old for that matter?!?  end rant.]

  Dismantling societal norms in language, identifying and deconstructing sexism, racism and gender role falsehoods,  it turns out - is the easy part.  Then came Junior High.  Now the REAL societal pressure begins - reinforced and institutionalized, with a pack/herd mentality by ALL of the would-be adults!  So, it turns out, the "accepted" norm for precoupling behavior in children is ten to twelve years of age on up.  WHO KNEW!?  It was crunch time!  The time had come for the prelude behaviors i.e., phone calls, middle-school versions of "dating", etc.

  Right on cue, early in junior high Wee One asked, "When can I date?"  In response, i asked, "Are you planning to marry?"  You can imagine the adolescent exasperation, (why would i ask that for GOODNESS sake?!)  My old quip, "you can date after you're married, and you can marry when you're 45." was clearly not going to work...  My answer was, and is simple.  When you arrive at the appropriate stage in life where it is time to look for people who meet your criteria for a spouse.  The purpose for dating is mate selection.  i offered, 'Just the same as we shop at various stores for a particular item.  We go to the stores for the purpose of obtaining that item."
 

  In that conversation i asked a few questions of Wee One.  What are the attributes of this person of interest?  Naturally, the answer was, "Cute".  And that, my friends, was atop a one item list!  Another question i asked was, what did Wee One imagine "Cute's" parents had in mind for their child?  Did Wee One imagine "Cute's" parents intend that "Cute" would graduate high school, college, and have a career?  A halting "Yes" was the response.  And what, if anything, do you think you, as a partner, will have to offer "Cute" to that end?  "Umm, I don't know...".  So, you like "Cute", you want "Cute" to do well in life and be successful?  "Uh-huh."  In what way do you intend to contribute to "Cute's" future i queried?  And alas, an answer we could work with. "What do you mean? How am I supposed to help Cute go to college?  I'm just a kid!"  BINGO!

  i'd had my light-bulb moment while rummaging through my own childhood memories.  i'd realized some things...  ALL of the adults in my life perpetrated - actively or passively - expectations of me. To couple,  to so within hetero marriage and to procreate.  "When" and not if.  At family gatherings, syrup-y smiling queries into if there was a "special someone" were a lifelong occurrence.  When i reached mid and late teenage years, there were the usual, expected and familiar to all, admonitions about pregnancy, and venereal disease.  Sex, for females, was about reputation, and for males, it was about not throwing away YOUR future on a fast girl!  It was conveyed and understood that whomever i dragged back to the clan would, naturally, be of a certain ilk, have home-training, potential, etc. But, that was pretty much it...not much more.

  As a child, i had an inkling that couplings failed, divorces happened, adoptions occurred, spouses were picked that didn't cut the mustard, etc.  However, no adult EVER discussed with me lessons learned from their own or, others' experiences.  There was NEVER an actual  discussion about making the most of one's OWN opportunities for one's OWN self.  And that in doing so, one would be in a position to have something to offer a potential partner of merit.  And about this issue of 'merit' - not a soul ever said anything comprehensible to my teenage mind.  We all know, and i knew, about things like; "pick a man who will work to support his family", and "pick a woman who will be a good wife, homemaker and mother".  But, HOW the HECK does that translate to a teenage experience - or more specifically - to a teenage BRAIN?

Fledgling

  So, we went out back.  i pointed up to a hardily constructed bird's nest in our sturdy, wise, old magnificent tree.  "Who builds the nest?" i asked.  "The male and female, and in some species - only the male builds it in order to attract a female." was the answer.  "Did they pick a dead tree, or a spot on the ground, or a place where the wind would blow it down, is it hastily built and shoddy?"  No, is the response.  "Who feeds the chicks?"  "Both." came the answer.

Female of nesting pair.

Female with building materials

"When have you ever seen a mother bird lay an egg without a nest?"  A very long pause, then the response, "Never".  This last question brought an expression of incredulity to Wee One's face.  i could see Wee One thinking, "You have gone off the rails completely!"

  Exactly, my point Wee One!   Though i had long used that analogy with Wee One, who had understood and told me as a small child, the egg would fall and no baby bird could survive.  Now, Wee One was cognitively mature enough to appreciate the gravitas of the proposition.  It is inconceivable literally, to everyone, that a bird would lay an egg and not do so in a nest.  None of us had ever seen such a thing, so much so, that it is inconceivable!

  But we humans create a set of forces that do EXACTLY that.  We have made what ought to be inconceivable, a relatively common thing in our first-world society!  We fail to have meaningful exchange with our children about the purpose of family, and how to better our odds at doing it well.  We adults abdicate.  While outside sources are unrelenting in their push onto our children false and superficial criteria for picking partners.  IMHO i do not believe it is effective to have "thE talk" as a way to educate young people about creating family, coupling, or procreating.

  i am suggesting we adults have to work hard to parse out MANY layers of subtle and overt societal constructs that seem to set us up for hardships and/or failures as adults.  As purposeful as the birds' instinctual behaviors are that drive them to nest; so should be our efforts to be purposeful in parsing the complexities of life to, for and on behalf of our human children for the next seven generations.  Marriage; Child Brides @ 14:52

                                                          i Thank you for stopping by.  i hope, i have shared something that you can take with you to use and share with others.  i welcome your thoughts in the conversation.  i am new at this blogging thing, and hope to grow and evolve for the better, please be patient with me as i am a work in progress.
To The Contrary with Bonnie Erbé 
  
Next time:  Telling Boys to Have Sex
Getting Boys to Behave Like Girls, and Other Ridiculous Parenting Strategies!